As we traveled up through the glorious Thailand terrain, I was speechless at the beauty that surrounded me. Fluffy serene clouds cuddled against the majestic mountains. Captivating butterflies and playful birds weaved through the tall peaceful trees. After a three hour drive in a van that felt more like a boat out at sea we arrived in Pai, (a small town north of Chiang Mai near the Myanmar border).
Walking into Pai was like walking into a head shop. Pai is well known among backpackers for it’s relaxed hippie-like atmosphere. It was strangely very comforting to me. I immediately felt an overwhelming sense of peace. And almost as quickly as I experienced that, a new feeling consumed me. Bondage and striving.
I felt my mind renewed as a voice spoke very clearly to me, “The peace you feel, the peace that these people are walking in is peace of this world. It is not my peace. It is not an unconditional everlasting peace.”
The rest of that day I felt a very strong physical downward pull. My spirit was stirring inside of me. I didn’t want to be there, but at the same time I wanted to desert the group I was with to join the inhabitants of that little eccentric village in their laid-back self focused lifestyle. I went to sleep that night feeling extremely guilty for my desires to give up my new life for my old ways.
I felt shameful for wanting to pass a joint to my neighbor instead of reaching out my hand to love them. For wanting to be surrounded by people who knew how to party and had all the right instruments to do so instead of wanting to be surrounded by God’s almighty presence.
I woke up the next morning. Found a quiet spot. Busted out my uke and started singing praises to my Papa. As I was singing I was brought to tears. “I’m sorry for the selfish desires I had Dad. I’m sorry for wanting things of this world more than wanting you. I’m sorry that my flesh is stronger than my spirit.”
“O baby girl, is that what you think? That my spirit inside of you is not as strong as the temptation of this world? Can’t you see what is going on in you? Your spirit and your flesh are at battle, but as you walk closer to me, as you trust me, as you rest solely in my arms you are becoming more aware of that battle. Your spirit is strong. And that is why you are sitting here with me and not anywhere else.”
As I continued to cry at my Abba’s sweet words, he responded, “Any shame, guilt or condemnation you are feeling is not from me. I love you. All the time. I never condemn my children. I never turn my face in disappointment at your thoughts and actions. When you fall into worldly thinking I do not punish you, I weep.”
I then saw the tears falling from His eyes. And felt them pour out of mine like a sorrowful stream.
It was then that the scales fell from my eyes to see His children, the people of Pai, the way He sees them. All striving to find an inner peace that lasts. All living for the next fix that will only bring momentary peace and short-lived joy.
The physical burden I felt was lifted and my desires to only be in my Daddy’s presence triumphed as we cried and embraced each other.
“This is your inheritance my daughter.”
These were words that I had been longing to hear, but I didn’t understand. “What do you mean God?”
“I am a God of redemption. I have taken you out, to put you back in.”
These words were like the most beautiful love song to my heart.
That’s all He needed to say to me for me to understand.
As He was speaking to me and not you, let me explain this in a bit more detail to you…
Before I gave my life to Christ, before I knew Him as my Savior and my Lord, my life was solely focused on myself. I lived to satisfy all my selfish desires. I filled my days with drugs, alcohol, sex, and anything else that would make me happy in the moment. After being filled by His Spirit, I knew that I would be able to resist my old life-style, but I always thought that it would be a life-long continuous struggle. I knew God would use my story to speak truth and life into other’s hearts, but I thought it would be at some kind of a distance from the things that used to encompass me. So to hear my Maker say that my inheritance, my destiny and purpose her on earth would be to live right in the midst of it left me completely awe-struck in wonder.
“I have taken you out, to put you back in. But you will not be another hungry soul searching for life, searching for the light, searching for wholeness. You will be Life. You will shine that Light. You will bring wholeness to those who are in desperate need for the fullness that only comes from Me.”
“But he brought us out from there to bring us in and give us the land that he promised on oath to our forefathers.” –Deuteronomy 6:23
“In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.” –Ephesians 1:11-14
I really just don’t understand God’s love. It is so high, and so wide and so deep and so long. I love it. I love that my God doesn’t have limitations on how much or when He loves me. I love that His heart is so big for me, that I can always be lost in it, and always be found at the same time because He never takes His eyes off of me.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” –Jeremiah 29:11
“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” –Ephesians 3:14-21
