Time:
January 18th, 2012, 5:45 a.m.
Place:
Chimaltenango, Guatemala, Los Gozosos Orphanage, my tent
Situation:
I woke up to the usually clatter of Daniel setting the table, tents being unzipped and people dragging themselves out of their warm sleeping bags and into the brisk morning air, but this morning felt different. As I opened my eyes to greet the new day a heavy darkness come over me. I felt like a black cloud was looming over my spirit preparing for a downpour.
The spirit of depression was trying to seep it’s way back into my heart. I felt trapped, like the cloud was blocking the sun and I couldn’t see the light.
Ok, I’ll back this story up a bit…
This past October at training camp for the World Race, another member on my squad shared about the struggles she faced with depression. During that moment, I believed for the first time the words in 1 John 4:4…
“You dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.”
I then threw away my anti-depression medicine, which I had been on since I was 15 years old.
I was free.
I was no longer chained down to the spirit of depression. A joy that I had never known filled my heart and captured my soul. A satisfying, fulfilling, everlasting joy.
So in Guatemala when I sensed the enemy trying to slink his way back into my life I felt disorientated and infuriated. I thought that I dealt with this. I thought I had victory over this.
And then God spoke to me, “You do have victory. I have already overcome the world.”
“That sounds really great God, but what do I do now?”
“In the past you have felt defeated by Satan because you didn’t trust in Me.
You didn’t put your hope in the truth that my Spirit is more powerful than the spirit that lives in this world.
Stand tall my beloved. And get ready for war.
Do not fear; I will be right there with you.
You will be on the front line, but you will be with me and first I am going to prepare you for battle.”
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” – Ephesians 6: 10-17
Since then, the Lord has opened my eyes to the ways that I rely on the world and the people in it to tell me who I am. I look to others to find worth and recognition and affirmation instead of looking to my Creator. And when I have moments where I feel like I want to give up and run away and hide, that that feeling of unworthiness is not from my Father.
That unworthiness comes from the lies that the enemy feeds me, because he knows that when I embrace my identity in Christ, he has no power over me.
Ok, so let’s bring this up to date…
Time:
March 28th, 2012, 11:00 a.m.
Place:
Tegucigalpa, Honduras, big yellow school bus
Situation:
I rested my head on the seat, felt the cool breeze from the open window and took advantage of the relaxing drive. (by relaxing I mean, I had a seat to sit in, and not just that, but I wasn’t sitting on anyone’s lap or packed so tight that I was sharing sweat with my neighbor) I closed my eyes, and was overwhelmed by what happened next.
I was standing naked in a field completely unashamed. There and then Jesus began to clothe me. He gently placed a soft white dress around my body, and secured it with an intricately woven leather belt. He then touched my hands and feet. Light brown flowers like henna appeared on them creating a simple design that led to my ankles and wrists. I then felt His hands running through my hair. He twirled His finger and created longs curls here and braided another section there. And then He placed lovely white daisies into my elegant mane.
Lastly He kissed me softly as a father would kiss his beloved daughter. And on my lips He left His living Word that made my spirit sing out in melodious praise.
“And now my bride, you are ready for battle.”
