For most of my life I have been described by friends and peers as naïve and too trusting. These character traits have defined much of my past in relationships. I am extremely optimistic and always find the good in people, which means I have been hurt in relationships when I let someone into my life and they didn’t have the best intentions. I have spent the majority of life carrying the loads of those around me to make sure that I didn’t get hurt in the end.
I was always the girl doing the entire group project because I didn’t trust my classmates and I thought doing their work would make them desire my friendship. I was the girl who allowed myself to fall in love with a guy who at the same time was falling in love with a different girl. Regardless of how hard I tried I still didn’t gain the friends I wanted, and I was told “you are perfect on paper, but it just isn’t good enough”. I never could fully grasp why I kept getting hurt, when all I wanted was to experience true love and acceptance.
“trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” –Proverbs 3:5
This cycle of hurt and rejection led me to a place where I built a wall around my heart and I only allowed certain people to break it down. I put myself in complete control of who I let in and who I kept out.
This wall is much like the same one Joshua marched around in Jericho. It required people to go above and beyond; say the right things; blow their trumpets seven times; and do whatever other crazy thing I dreamed up to make me feel like I could trust them. My wall allowed me to keep out the hurtful and harmful people in my life. It made sure that I never got hurt…seems like a great wall, right?!
Inside: butterflies, rainbows, and doughnuts 🙂
Outside: mean people and spiders
The problem with my wall is that I allowed no space to receive the perfect, abundant, love of the Father.
The Race has brought out a lot of these trust issues and in their place the Lord has called me higher. I have realized that my lack of trust translated into worry and fear. My fear meant that I wasn’t allowing myself to accept the all encompassing love of the Father.
“there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts our fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.” -1 John 4:18-19
As my time in Vietnam drew to an end I decided that I could no longer live behind my Jericho wall. The wall was blocking my sight and hardening my heart to true love. I was living a life that rested in the approval of people and the desire to feel loved and liked. I was claiming to have truly accepted the love of Christ, but then when it came to actually walking in that, I was careful not to step on any sidewalk cracks for fear of the fall that would come next. As my wall and fears came crumbling down, I was cradled in the arms of my Daddy. He said, “come to me Samantha. You are weary and burdened and I will give you rest”.
I was dancing in the street, singing in halls, and spinning through hotel doors!
Ok, maybe not, but I sure did feel a lot like Buddy the Elf when he experiences love for the first time.
I’m in LOVE, I’m in LOVE, AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My Jericho wall has come crumbling down. I am not afraid to share my true thoughts and emotions, because I know that I am not here to earn the approval of others. I am placed here as a daughter of the most loving Father and He accepts me, skinned knees and all. I have been extended true, perfect love and trusting in that has allowed me to experience the liberating freedom of the Gospel and the joy that comes with it!
I urge everyone to give your full trust to the Lord and learn to rest in Him. It is a small step that makes a huge difference. We are commanded in Scripture not to worry and to submit our requests to Lord, so DO IT and let the peace of the Lord rain down!
“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests by made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” –Philippians 4:6-7
with love from Cambodia,
Sam
