One of the questions that I know will reoccur very often during my first month at home is, “what are you gonna do now?” So, before I get home and start being bombarded with that one simple question, let me be the first to tell you, I don’t know.
The Type A, OCD, intense planner is coming home in 11 days
and she doesn’t know what is next.
There I said it (a lot harder than you may all realize)
I really wish I did know what was coming after the race, but only God does, and with each passing day I gain more and more peace about that.
I have dreams. I have BIG dreams. And during the last few months I thought I was taking the steps to achieve them, until God said “stop, slow down”. It was a point in my race that I will never forget. I journaled, I talked to my community, and I even shed a few tears trying to make my decision to listen to God or take things into my own hands. After a lot of prayer and processing in my hammock I turned down one job offer and then turned down an interview for another. All of my “plans” were slowly being shattered and I was back to the drawing board. I didn’t understand any of it. Saying no is really hard. I was confused. How God could put things on my heart and then ask me to walk away from them? But now, 2 months later, I see His purpose in that.
I was walking in a lot of my own strength. I was trying to do everything on my own and allow my intelligence and work experience to pave the paths of my future, but as a follower of Christ I am daily learning how much I cannot do on my own. I was smart enough to get a job, but it wasn’t the job God wanted me to have, at least not at that time. I knew in my heart that it wasn’t right, but who wants to be the girl going home without a job. NOT ME! The hardest realization to swallow was that I would be going back to Lenoir for an indefinite amount of time. See, I haven’t lived at home for more than a month in the last 8 years. Once I graduated from high school I made a few summer appearances at the Kirby house, but never long term. I love my family and will be happy to be with them again, but it is a shot to my pride and my independence to be headed back to my childhood bedroom.
Insert God’s month 11 lesson for me: I am prideful. I have achieved a lot academically, because I am intelligent and driven, but all of my success is attributed to the Father who created me, not my own personal strength and will. I have held a lot of personal leadership positions and lots of great work experience, but all of those doors were opened because He allowed them to be, not because I deserved them to be. I desire to be independent, but He desires me to be fully dependent on Him.
I have been dependent on God for most of the World Race, because it is hard to be away from home, eat strange foods, and experience the darkness that covers our world. I guess His last part of refinement in my race experience was to tear away at my pride and teach me to be fully dependent on Him and what He has for me. Which is exactly where I am today, 11 days and 260 hours before I land back in the good ole USofA.
Even with no timely plans I am confident that God’s hand is here.
I know that I have missed the last 11 months of happenings in my family and now I get to be there and do life with them.
I know that I am a totally different person now then I was 8 years ago, and I have the power to influence my family and my hometown for the glory of God.
I know that I serve a sovereign God who works for the good of my life and the glory of His Kindgom, so
I trust that when the time is right He will open up a door into my future.
So, with 11 days left on the race I am praying for guidance and opened doors. I have submitted a few applications because I want to work like it depends on me, but pray knowing that it depends on Him! Please join me in prayer for God’s provision. Until things start to fall into place I am going to keep walking as His daughter and using my every day happenings to bring glory to Him.
I want to do BIG things for the Kingdom of God, and until I know the exact plan to start those BIG things I am going to make the really small moments, BIG ONES!
Rocking out for Jesus can look the same in Africa as it does in North Carolina, and I plan to make that a reality!
LENOIR, NC I am coming for you in 11 days! GET READY!!!
with love,
sam
