I’ve thought a lot about this blog. What to write. How to say the things that the Lord has shown me. How to put words to what I’ve learned about myself and the Lord over the past 4 months. I feel like there are so many words and thoughts, but then all of it seems like a jumbled mess.
4 months ago I began a personal trek up a mountain. By no means would I ever compare myself to Abraham and the emotions that he experienced on the day God asked him to sacrifice Isaac, but in October I got a small glimpse.
The words from the Lord still ring clear in my head, “do you trust me?”
My response, “of course”
His response, in a gentle but firm voice, “then you know what I am asking you do”
My response, tears. The ugly, messy kind that no one needs to see. The tears flowed so greatly that I pulled off I-85, into a gas station, made a quick phone call and then wept. As I dried up my tears I whispered back, “i know”
I knew what the Lord was asking me to do. I desired deeper intimacy with Him. I had prayed for it. I had been praying to be romanced and the Lord was asking me to let Him be the one doing that. I was so sure of the promises that the Lord had given me, so I could not understand why He was asking me to sacrifice something I had so longed for; the love of a man.
Abraham and Sarah had prayed and waited and prayed and waited for a child. It was their hearts deepest, fleshly desire and the Lord promised Abraham, “I will bless her {Sarah}, and moreover, I will give you a son by her”(17:16). When Isaac was finally born I can’t imagine the joy that flowed through their hearts. They saw the faithfulness of their prayers come to fruition.
I so often feel like Abraham and Sarah, praying and waiting.
Last year the Lord answered some of my deepest and most fervent prayers. I met a man; a really handsome, tall, Godly man. I thought he was the one and the answer to so many of my prayers. We loved the Lord, we loved each other; it seemed like a Nicholas Sparks book {my favorite kind}.
Fast forward a few months later to that tear-filled day on I-85. I knew the Lord was asking me to give him up. In my heart all I could cry out was “why, Lord, why”. He was what I prayed for; the deepest fleshly desire of my heart and now the Lord was asking me to take him up a mountain and sacrifice him.
I know it seems extreme to say that giving up a relationship is anywhere close to the sacrifice that Abraham was asked to complete, but the human heart doesn’t have a scale for emotion. It feels the deep longing of human connection and when loss happens it hurts.
As Abraham and Isaac began their trek up the mountain, Isaac was clearly confused because they had nothing to offer as a burnt offering. Abraham’s response, “God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son”(22:8). This particular verse struck me. Abraham chose obedience and was walking up the mountain to sacrifice his son, but he still had hope that the Lord would intervene. He was willing to give up his greatest treasure, but his heart still desired to see the Lord provide. He trusted that God was a good Father, but no matter what happened on Mount Moriah, he chose honoring the Lord’s call above his own desires.
I want to live my life like that. Full obedience, always.
On that day in October I felt the same way. In Abraham’s case the story ends with the Lord providing a ram and Abraham names the mountaintop, “The Lord will provide”, jehovah-jireh(22:14). Abraham walked back down the mountain with his son, and a more intimate connection with God.
I so wish that my story would have played out just like Abraham’s, but unfortunately my walk down the mountain has looked really different. Many times it has felt like I was walking down alone, but I know the truth that the Lord will provide. He is always sovereign, always good, and always jehovah-jireh.
I personally think it would have been harder to see God as good back in the days of Abraham. He rained fire from heaven and struck down those in sin. The Bible is filled with stories of His faithfulness and goodness, but the fear of God is what the Lord saw in Abraham(22:12). A man who bowed in reverence to the God who is all powerful and all mighty. Abraham was a man of faith and obedience.
Over the past 4 months I have experienced the gamut of emotions towards the Lord; frustration, hurt, pain, anger, and confusion. I usually surpass those types of emotions and lean on the truth that the Lord is good, but this time was different. It hit the core of my heart and I could longer pretend that I wasn’t upset. I leaned on the truth that God knew the depth of my hurt to an even greater degree because He sent His only Son to die for me. He knows sacrifice. He knows my hurt and He is there through it all.
Today I look back and remember that mountain. I know that the Lord will provide. He always has and always will. I have slowly gained some insight on the purpose of my sacrifice, but I don’t know it all and that’s ok. I have learned to abide in the love of the Father. His love and intimacy is worth the messy tears and broken heart. Everyday I pray to know His love more and everyday I feel the sting in my heart as my fleshy desires die little by little. I have experienced more joy in the Lord than maybe ever before. My heart still hurts, but He still provides. He has healed up the wounds from October and is daily reminding me that He is faithful to His promises if I am faithful to Him.
As I stand at the bottom of my own mountain, I feel His presence. I am not alone, nor have I ever been. He is here. He is faithful. He is jehovah-jireh. And whether I stand on the rooftops and shout, or sit in the quiet of my house and whisper, I will forever utter these words; “He is worth it, always”
