It seems silly to say that I found freedom in a journal, but I did.
It all started when I filled up my last journal and needed a new one. I wanted a soft leather journal, but could not find one that had lines in it. I only started journaling and processing a few years ago and so the lines were all I knew. They were safe and helped me keep things in order (my type A, OCD side appreciated the lines). In my quest for a new journal I decided to make a rash decision while standing in a Barnes and Nobles. I would get TWO journals. One with lines and one without. I would give it a try. My friends all love the freedom that comes in journaling without lines, but to me that was daunting and left a lot of room for error, but I made the decision to get both.
A week or so later I had been using the lined journal when it came time to pack for a short trip to Texas. For whatever reason the no-lined journal ended up in my backpack and while on the plane I decided to take it out and doodle, something I rarely, if ever do. Fast forward a few days later to an afternoon of development with all the squad mentors. I was still using my no-lined journal, but little did I know what the Lord would speak to me through it.
For me, the lines were safe. They protected me from the failure of stepping into my creativity and not liking it. What I didn’t realize is that the lines were actually restricting me. I am creative! I love to draw and dream and doodle, but somewhere along the way I stopped all of that. Probably out of comparison and a little bit of fear, but sadly I lost a lot of myself in an attempt to remain strong, steady, and unwavering.
Here I am now, a month or so later and I love my no-lined journal. {I will not being using a lined journal again!} More importantly than this little book filled my with thoughts, is the complete shift in my heart over the past month. I feel as if I have opened my heart back up to who the Lord created me to be. In the process of college, grad school, traveling, leading, and life, I had pushed down the real me to transform into the person I needed to be in all of those seasons. I thought that I couldn’t be a strong and bold leader if I allowed myself to walk in the fullness of who I am, but the reality is that I was meant to lead from a place of positivity, high belief in people, vulnerability, compassion, and all-encompassing energy. I believed the lie that the real me was not enough, so I needed to be who everyone else wanted me to be.
It always surprises me how the Lord speaks to us. He loves to use analogies with me. He shows me things in simple ways and then allows my mind to be blown as a simple object, like a journal, turns into a representation of the restriction and bondage that I was unknowingly living in. BOOM.
The truth that I’ve discovered is that I am ENOUGH. My spastic, optimistic, bold, confident, beautiful, joyful, creative self is enough. I do not need to transform or modify who I was created to be, because who the Lord made me to be is enough.
I wanted to write this blog to challenge you to examine the places of your heart that you may have cast aside in order to advance yourself in the world. Who were you as a child and do you still gaze at the world in the same wonder and awe? What places in your life have you surrendered to bondage in order to be productive, strong and put together? and most importantly, Who were you created to be and are you living that out everyday?
This journey of self discovery is a life-long process. We will always find new dark places in our heart that we didn’t know were there, but there is no shame in the dark places, because beauty comes in how Jesus covers all of that. In our attempt to live in a false self we actually grow and develop some really good qualities. I have learned how to be efficient, strong and complete a high caliber project in a timely manner. What is truly beautiful is when we take these learned characteristics and combine them with our true self. Those lies became rays of light that combine with the beauty we were created in, to form the most magnificent bright light.
We have unknowingly dimmed our lights and it is time to remove the lampshade that is covering us up and allow our true self to shine bright.
Freedom is fun. It comes with laughter, and joy, and doodles in a no-lined journal. I pray that you all find a little piece of freedom today.
