Messy.
My heart.
My mind.
My internal struggles.
Messy is the way I feel right now.
On the WR, we do a nightly team meeting called “feedback/debrief.” This week we have used our feedback time to share our stories. Through the stories of my teammates and through sharing mine, I quickly realized how messy I am right now. I have a lot of stuff I thought I had worked through, but that’s just it. I thought I had worked through it. I put band-aids on wounds and kept them there.
Since launching on the WR in September, I have been put in an environment where I cannot do anything else effectively until I deal with this stuff. When I was in America, with my friends, with my family, with everything I had ever known, I could easily put on a mask and pretend this mess did not exist.
The truth is: it does. I have stuff from the past 23 years and even just the past 2 weeks that I desperately need to leave at Jesus’ feet. I need God to be my healer. One by one, band-aids are being ripped off to expose these wounds – some deeper than others. It hurts. A lot. I am pretty sure I have cried more in the past 8 days than in the past 4 years. [I only wish I were exaggerating].
Over the past few weeks, I have had a lot of time to think and pray. I have quickly learned how much I have hidden, how much I have tried to cover up, how much I have shoved under the rug. It is messy.
I am messy.
HOWEVER.
I know that God can turn this mess into beauty. He can use my mess for HIS glory. Right now, I am learning how to deal with the mess but not dwell on the mess. The mess is real – I do not want to try to downplay it, but I also cannot wallow in my state right now.
I am BEYOND blessed. I am in Cambodia right now. I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by people I love and who love me. I have an amazing family back in America. I have amazing friends all over the world.
During transition time from Thailand to Cambodia, God really humbled me one night. As I was worshipping with The Q, at one point I had my eyes closed and was enjoying an intimate moment with my Savior. The next moment, He said, “Open your eyes.” Tears streamed down my cheeks as I saw God’s beautiful children. Who am I? Who am I that I might be a part of The Q? Who am I that I could have the honor of even standing in the same room as these amazing men and women? Wow. My God really loves me. What an awesome moment!
I do not want to make this about me anymore. Every day – probably hundreds of times each day – I make life about me. It is definitely not about me, but I make it that way. My prayer right now is that God would show me how to make Him the center of my life – how to get over myself and look to Him, seek Him, love Him.
I once saw a poster that read, “Prioritize: Matthew 6:33.” If you were to look up that verse, it reads, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
As my readers, my supporters, my friends, my family, I ask that you would pray this verse into my life. Please pray that I would seek first HIS Kingdom and HIS righteousness. Pray that I will get over myself and deal with but not dwell on my mess. Please pray that my mind and heart will be healed by the Great Physician. Pray that my team and I can build each other up and be unified so that we can do effective ministry and love the people of Cambodia the way that God loves them.
Thank you so much for your prayers and support.
Love,
Samantha
