You know, that time in the month when I post my “end of month video, what I have learned, cribs video, etc." blogs.
That time in the month when I say teary good-byes to the amazing people I have done life with for a month.
That time in the month when I get butterflies in my stomach knowing I get to see THE Q in just a few short hours.
That time in the month when I am reunited with my 33 best friends.
That time in the month that I love sooooo much.
That time in the month when God, yet again, teaches me about “seasons.”
I understand there are seasons. I even blogged about it way back in Cambodia [read story here].
This time, however, I will not meet up with THE Q. I am not posting an end of the month video. I'm just here…
This new season for me is nuts. Completely nuts. I love it. I love my RAs. I love my RD team. I love Olivet. I love what God is doing. I love watching students reconnect with each other after the long summer.
I haven’t had much time to process the World Race. In fact, sometimes, I forget that I went on the World Race.
I know some of you are like…WHAAAAAAAAT? How could you forget something like that?
Well, you see… I came back to where I left. I am back at Olivet. I am back in Residential Life. Yes, I have a brand new role – I am a Director, not an Assistant. However, I am working with some of the same people I worked with for 3 years in college. McClain Hall does not look any different than when I was an RA here.
I know that the busyness of these past 4 weeks has gotten a hold of me. I am praying that when school starts, when all of my residents are finally here, when things start to settle down, I will be able to sit and really reflect on what the Lord did in this past year of my life.
I do have my moments…my moments of fear, of doubt, of anger, of complete & total bitterness & brokenness.
Yes, I did have that one night where I was angrier than I have ever been in my entire life. I threw a 3-year-old temper tantrum.
Here’s the scene: I fell asleep on my super comfy loveseat while watching the White Sox. I woke up and realized I was all alone. I was completely alone in this way-too-big 2 bedroom apartment.
I laid on my floor – face down, & threw a fit. I was ANGRY. & I e-mailed my squad leader & friend, Tiffany. Here were some of my thoughts that night.
I have amazing friends here. AMAZING, God-fearing, Jesus-loving, Spirit-led friends. My community here is great. REALLY, it is. I love it. I loved it before the WR. I loved it during the WR. I loved it so much I made it a point to come back & do life with these people again. Because it is amazing here.
This morning at 6am, I joined my AMAZING community of women here at Olivet — the other female RDs. We went on a bike ride through the gorgeous trails our city has marked out. We stopped for coffee on the way home.
Lovie Smith said "Good morning," to me today. He's the head coach of the Chicago Bears.My 7 beautiful RAs will all be here on Saturday. We're having a sleepover in my apartment. FINALLY I will have more than just me here. I'm more than excited to meet them & to get this crazy big building filled with the 200+ women that God has chosen me to live with this year.
Today is Jared's birthday. Jared is a friend I met while in Kenya. I miss him. & his friends — who became my friends.
I'm a bit angry right now. I'm angry about the World Race. I'm angry. & I don't get angry often. It takes a lot for me to get to a point where I am okay with describing myself as angry. Right now, I'm angry.
Why did I go on the World Race? Why did I meet so many phenomenal people? Why did I make friends with people I really believe I could be friends with forever — only to say good-bye to them after 3 weeks? Why can't I go live in Cambodia & spend every day hanging out with Srey Leak & Channa — while also hanging out with Ron & Joanna from the Philippines, Jared/Janet/Vincent/Grace/Joseph from Kenya, Harriet from Uganda, Thelma, JoJou, & Alvin in India, all my boys in Ukraine, Dawn in Romania & Jill from Northern Ireland [who I met in Romania]?
Why am I in a two-bedroom apartment ALL ALONE? I often find myself wandering from room to room as if eventually 30+ Q people will jump out & say "Surprise! We're living with you!"
Why am I in the place where I know & believe without a shadow of a doubt God has called me — He went above & beyond over the past 3 years to show me that this is EXACTLY where He wants me for this season of my life — and I do not want to be here?
By the way, the word "season" makes me want to vomit. ugh. I know that there are seasons. I know that God puts people in our lives sometimes for only a season. …but WHY? Why can't I have everyone I love with me right now? Why is it that I met beautiful, amazing, friends all over the world & more than likely, I will never see them again?
Why can't I hold Bethany Eason's hand right now? Why can I not hear Carmen singing me a lullaby? Why is Ryan — the perfect height for my hugs — not hugging me right now?
Why won't the tears stop? Some days, I go almost the entire day without my heart breaking. & then … just when I least expect it, it hits.
I'm just broken. And I know that's okay. I know that's the place God wants me — because I know He wants to be my "fixer" 🙂 because I cannot be my fixer. He has to be. I have to allow Him to pick up all the little pieces of my heart & mend them back together the way He wants to.
I’m okay. But I’m not okay. Is that okay?
I am currently in a place where I have to daily surrender ALL of me to the One who gave His life. It's a good place to be.
Please partner with me in praying for this season in my life. Please pray for me, my RAs, & our 200 college women that we get to do life with this year.
Thank you for supporting me so much throughout this journey.
Peace & Blessings,
Samantha
