June 8, 2016 is the day the World Race became real for me, as I flew over mountains and fields on a two hour flight to Atlanta, Georgia. I knew as I looked out of the window that all of my daydreams were about to fall apart, everything I thought Training Camp would be would implode as I faced reality.
Looking back on those ten days as a Racer who survived, all of my expectations paled in comparison.
I expected to worship, I expected some organization to the music, I expected some people to really “feel the spirit” and the rest to go through the motions. I didn’t expect to lose my voice from singing so loud. I didn’t expect sitting on the ground with my squadmate forehead to forehead praying healing over her as her tears fell on my lap. I didn’t expect to cry. Every. Single. Time. Worship became a culture on F-Squad, a simple culture of celebration as we danced (without fear) until we were out of breath and sang until our voices became hoarse. Celebrating pure joy, the loss of insecurity, and the freedom we found with each other.
I expected to be uncomfortable, I already knew I would be living with far less than I ever had. However, Training Camp brought this to a new level. I didn’t expect to love it. Meals were more than meals, they became a lesson on giving as eight people would share one plate of food. It showed me how to make sure everyone else had enough before looking to my own needs. Also how forks are completely unnecessary. This isn’t an exaggeration when I say we were sweating 24/7 and if I’m going to be honest I showered maybe 3 times, by showered I mean with a bucket, sometimes with my squadmates washing my hair in a field because the line was too long. Gotta do what you gotta do. I loved it because I learned how much I didn’t need and how much I take for granted in my everyday life. It taught me to feel beautiful even at my worst.
As for F-Squad, I was so, so, so wrong. Most of my life I have felt like the outlier when it comes to other Christians. Like I had snuck onto a team that I was cut from, like an outsider looking in. So what was I to expect from a group of teenager who weren’t “outliers” or, as I liked to call myself, “Probationary Christians.” I expected a level of arrogance, white savior complexes, judgement, and I didn’t expect joy in the slightest. I thought we would just deal with each other until by sheer force we would learn to love each other. I expected to feel as I normally did: alone.
I was wrong.
A family was formed in those ten days. I was surrounded by beautifully broken people who had walked down the same paths I had. People who were actively loving and serving and asking for nothing in return. I was never alone or scared.
We danced together recklessly, ate really sketchy Mexican food (s/o to El Sombrero and Steadfast), they were the people who held my hand when I got a tattoo on a whim, and spoke so much light and life into me that I feel like a new person. They taught me that I didn’t have to choose between my faith and joy. Even now as I write this, I haven’t seen them for 10 days and it feels like a part of my heart is gone. I won’t ever be able to explain this squad fully to anyone but we are going to be a force to be reckoned with.
At the end of the week we did something we’re calling the “Yes Ceremony” where we sign to commit to what the expectations of a racer are; desiring to grow, being a follower of Christ, living in community, a commitment to building the Kingdom. But, then we got to look our leadership team and each other in the eye and said “Yes” to each other. That when it’s hard, when we’re sick, when our hearts hurt that we are committing to being there. That we are worth it to each other to stand side by side and walk together.
Most of my life I have said yes to people who have hurt me, to people who were just going to leave, to people who haven’t said yes to me. I hugged every single one of my 50 squadmates as they looked at me and told me that they weren’t leaving, that I was worth it to them.
And there I was, no longer an outlier.
“There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.” (Galatians 3:28-29)
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