As I sit here processing these past 10 days, I have come to the realization that I didn’t truly know God. The communication just had never been there. I have pushed to try to “hear his voice” but have always given up and thinking He just wasn’t speaking. I was dead wrong.
Day one of training camp I made the decision and commitment to, these next 10 days, drop everything. Drop every expectation, every worry, every prediction, all control, and just let God carve me into who He wants me to be. To show me what I need to see. Hear what I need to hear.
Since I was a child I have always had a hard time sitting still, quiet, and in peace without my mind running with everything and clouding my focus, until I recognized, for the first time, Him speak to me clearly one morning this past week.
The speaker asked us to close our eyes, picture Jesus, and just listen. This helped me focus. “Be Still” are the words that came to me after a minute of sitting in complete silence with no distractions. It was so clear and relative to my life with all the distractions I’ve had trouble with when trying to speak with God. Shortly after this sermon we were asked to go off by ourselves and just sit with God. They asked us to think about “uprooting” what we’re trying to hide from God and ourselves. “Do not run” was a few words that were spoken and they stuck with me. Looking back, God spoke to me through the words of someone else.
I took my journal, bible, and backpack in the middle of the Georgia woods. Completely isolated with nothing to visibly distract me. As I walked through the tall trees swaying, dead leaves crumbling under my feet that had fallen, and fresh Georgia air brushing against my face, I was pondering about “uprooting” the darkness that was deep inside me. I was scared to dig that deep.
I glanced up looking for the spot I wanted to sit in silence with God. In front of me were two paths that I assume wild animals used repeatedly. I stopped. One led to a fairly large tree that was completely uprooted and laying on the forest floor. The other led around the tree and deeper in the woods. It felt as if I had two choices. To uproot what’s been planted so deep, or just go around it and fall into the same pattern. I stood there for a second and smiled, “Okay God, I see what you did here.” I said to myself. I chose to uproot myself. I sat on this uprooted tree and brought everything to light. All my struggles, pain, and confusion throughout my life then just listened. “Be still. Do not run.” Proceeded to continually come up. Then “I will always be with you.” followed. I prayed, read scripture, and sat in silence the remainder of this time. This experience would never have happened if I didn’t take Gods words passionately to “Be still”.
After, we were instructed to meet with our squad, split into groups of 5, and just say whatever you felt in your heart. It was hard. I opened myself up in “team time” and found myself crushed with pouring out the temptations, bad decisions, and guilt I’ve fallen into throughout my life. I admitted my relationship with God was amateur and weak to people I had only just met. The humility was real. But I trusted God.
I hesitated and then related back to what God had brought to me, “Do not run”. Speaking from the heart, tears trickling down my face, and as my voice was breaking. God, so obviously, poured peace over me throughout this session. I grew closer with my leaders, my teammates, and God as I took His advice. “Do not run.”
Lunch came shortly after this session ended and we were all starving and put a good meal of rice and beans in our stomachs. It was “Latin America” day after all. The table I sat with all finished eating and sat in conversation for a bit. I was asked by a teammate what my favorite aspect of nature was. Without knowing why she asked, I described “Middle of a forest, with a stream running through, by myself. Quiet, calm, and still.” I was shocked after she explained that this is supposedly how you compare your relationship with God. It related so well with this incredible morning of sitting in the woods with God.
You see, I realized God has been talking to me my entire life. I just was always so distracted to see it. I tried to predict what it would be like. I put the expectations of how God and I would communicate in a box, and if it didn’t fit in the box then it wasn’t God. The moment I created room for Him to fill within me, He moved. I learned if you create space for God, He will start to fill that space. He has sparked a fire I have never felt in me. A passion. A hunger. I’ve fallen in love.
“Be still. Do not run. I will always be with you.”
