I wanted to write a blog that told a story about how something miraculous happened and it changed my life and drew me closer to God and that had the perfect ending that tied everything together with a nice little bow on top. But the truth is, not everything happens like that. Sometimes things happen out of order, or it takes weeks to process something. And sometimes, God shows up in such a huge way that it terrifies you and leads you to question everything you’ve ever been taught by the church in Western society. In this case, it was the latter.
Before I even applied for the Race, I read blogs about people being healed on the field and I thought it was awesome. But a couple weeks ago when I was brought face to face with it, I was nothing but skeptical. We sat through over three hours of explanation and stories about healing by a guy named Mark. And then he asked who needed to be healed. It was quiet in the room for a moment and we all sort of just looked at each other. Then, one by one, people started going up to the front. And guess what. They were healed. And I saw it happen. I watched people’s legs grow with my very own eyes. I felt sick and burst into tears, and definitely didn’t think it was awesome. And to top it all off, we were told that we all have the capability to heal through the power of Christ, and I think that freaks me out more than watching someone’s leg stretch like silly putty.
Yes, something miraculous happened, but I don’t feel like it drew me closer to God. That’s it. There’s nothing else to this story to end it nicely; no nice little bow on top. In a frantic FaceTime conversation with my mom, I explained it like this: Healing is a spiritual gift. And like any other gift, you don’t get to choose what you get… otherwise it’s not a gift. Take painting for example. I feel like I’ve been handed a paintbrush and told to paint a mural. Yes, I can hold a paintbrush, and I can dip it in paint and spread it around. But that doesn’t mean I can create a masterpiece. Yes, I have the power of Christ in me, but I don’t believe I get to choose how it comes to fruition.
And that’s what’s been going on in my life this month. I ask that you all would pray for me as I try to sort through and process this stuff. I love and miss you all and can’t wait to see what God has next for me.
