dear friend,
who am i? a question that i have struggled answering since, well pretty much forever. purpose has always been something i’ve struggled with. why was i created? what am i good at? how will i impact the world? constantly searching for my significance. for my identity. when i was younger, i was always so frustrated that i didn’t have anything that i was “good” at. instead, i was just “average.“ goodness, i hated that word. i believed that purpose was so complex. i was either a success or a failure.
a couple weeks ago, it was revealed to me that i, for so long, believed that i am inherently bad. that i am flawed. this is a lie, obviously. right? i remember sobbing as i shared this with my team. it had been the first time i really understood why it had been so difficult to simply believe that i was worthy. that i was deserving. for years, i felt as if i had to prove myself so that others would know that i was enough. in sports, i had to be the best one on the team. if i didn’t meet those standards, i would be a failure. in academics, i had to receive the best grade. if i received any less than, i would be a failure. i was never ”skinny“ enough. i was never “smart” enough. i was never “funny“ enough. i believed for the majority of my life that i was a mistake. that there was no way i could measure up. that’s just who i thought i was.
this past summer, while in belle glade, i talked to a pastor who really shifted the perspective i previously had on purpose. the Lord has given us one job, our purpose, which is to live our lives working to become more and more like jesus. that’s it. it doesn’t matter what university we go to. what job we pursue. it doesn’t matter what our gifts are. or what we are good at. as long as we follow the Lord in everything we do. obey his commands. serve him and others. love him first and foremost.
each thursday here in guatemala, we have activations. (if you have any questions about what activation is go read my last blog titled, “ministry!!!”) the Lord is so good that of course the first one was on …. you guessed it … identity!!!!! our identity is simple. i am the Lord’s daughter. beloved and cherished. as his daughter, i have one mission, or purpose. to love and obey him. to broaden his kingdom. to share my testimony with others so that they too can experience the same breakthrough. no need for anxiety, fear, doubt, or feelings of unworthiness. those are not my portion. i am enough because my Father says i am. that’s it. there is no need for proving myself to earn his love and affection. i have it. i am a daughter.
that first thursday, i remember sobbing. for years, i have chosen to believe the lies the enemy had planted inside my head. that i was a mistake. that i was unworthy. that i was unloved. that i was insignificant. that i was disgusting. fat. ugly. not worth being remembered. stupid. that i had no purpose and would amount to nothing. thankful for a Father who says the opposite. he says that he created me beautifully and wonderfully. he says i am worthy, loved, and significant. i was sculpted in his own image. i am cherished. i am deserving. i am intelligent. i am his daughter who he fights for. who he seeks. who he is jealous for. who he loves unconditionally without me having to do anything. i can rest in these truths.
shifting the narrative from who am i to i am.
with love,
sadie
