As I continue to move forward in preparing for The Race, I keep finding myself uneasy and uncertain. The reason for this is not because I lack the desire to go all over the world or to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Actually, I’ve yet to discover the complete reason. However, part of the reason, I believe, is that I don’t want to leave everything behind.
This past year has been one of a lot of transitions and I finally am at a place where I feel like I can be for a while and be successful. As I began to mentioned before in the “About” section of this blog, I currently have a full-time job, I live and volunteer at a ministry called The Father’s Heart Ministries, and my home church is awesome. My job provides me with 40 hours a week with nights and weekends off, paid holidays, paid time off, health insurance and pretty wonderful fellow employees.
At The Father’s Heart I am constantly surrounded by incredible people with beautiful personalities and on a daily bases we get to see people grow in their understanding of Jesus, His love for them and their value. We also go out into the surrounding communities and have gotten to know a lot of the families whose children are the heart beat of our children’s ministry which has stolen a part of my heart. Through the community outreach and the children’s ministry, we are seeing transformation in the surrounding city and it is awesome. My home church, Word of Life, is filled with people that I’ve come to know and love and when I see them I’m filled with joy. I love where I am….I’m comfortable and I’m not sure there is anything wrong with that. Especially since through the ministry I’m involved in now, God is changing lives and transforming a city.
Since being accepted to The World Race, that comfort has been shaken and a lot of questions have been racing through my mind. What if while I’m gone the kids get use to me not being there? Will I still have that sense of belonging at The Father’s Heart and Word of Life when I return? What if this isn’t what God has for me right now? What are the things that I will miss and will I miss mile markers in the lives of those who I love and care about?
But, I have to lay those questions down, because I cannot figure them out in my own strength and knowledge. I do not know what the future looks like, even though I wish I did, but God knows. And He loves me. I have to keep reminding myself that His plans for me, and for everyone, are good. Not to mention one of the kids said something that made me realize that maybe they won’t forget me after all….(I know I know, it’s not about me…but I can’t help it, I love being loved!)
On our way to an outreach (something that is held within a community, similar to a Fair, but that focuses on sharing about Jesus through skits, dances, testimonies, games, etc.) two weeks ago, I was sitting beside one of the girls who is a constant in the children’s ministry. She is 7 years old and has beautiful brown eyes. She looked up at me and this is what our conversation consisted of:
Maddy: “Sabweena, I want to go back to Dave’s.” —Dave is a gentleman from church who lets us swim in his pool.
Me: “Well Sweety, we won’t be able to today because we won’t get back in time.”
Maddy: “Can we go tomorrow?“
Me: “No sweety. Remember that trip that I told you about? The one that I’ll be going on?” I was referring to The World Race. She remembered and nodded her head. “Well, I have a lot of stuff I have to do in order to get ready for it so I purposely set tomorrow aside so that I can work on some of the things that I need to get done.”
Maddy: “What about after?“
Me: “After what?”
Maddy: “After your trip.” —I laughed a little, looked away to see if anyone else heard her, smiled, and turned back towards her.
Me: “Maddy, my trip is going to be almost a year long.” —Then came the words that melted my heart and almost made me cry…
Maddy: “That’s ok, I can wait.“
It was at that point that I knew without any hesitation that God knows about my apprehensions and that He cares about them too. “I can wait,” she said without any hesitation.
I praised Him for that sweet moment then asked her if I could hold her hand; the kids love to hold our hands and be close so I knew she wouldn’t mind :). And then we sat there and began to look at the storm clouds that were rolling in.
So for now, I keep moving forward in preparations for the trip and hope that God will clear up this uneasiness.
Oh, and since we were supposed to be outside all day for the outreach we started to command the storm to go away, and it did <3
