A little while ago during praise and worship one Sunday morning at church, I was talking to God and asking Him why I was having such a hard time staying focused during worship. I wanted to honor and praise Him because in my head I know that He is worthy, but my thoughts kept wondering.
A lot of thoughts were going through my head that now, while looking back, I can say were fear and performance based and critical. They were critical towards myself because I was late getting to church for whatever reason and even some towards the song choices of the morning (I know I know, not cool, but when we’re unsatisfied with ourselves, often we take it out on the people around us). I was even worrying about what the people around me were thinking and how they were probably judging me because I got there part of the way through the first song (making assumptions about what others are thinking, also not a good idea and a sure fire way to damage the possibility of feeling like you belong or making friends/meeting new people).
Recognizing those thoughts totally explains why I couldn’t focus, which is easy to do since the moment has passed….
I couldn’t sing praises to a God whose relationship with me is 100% based off of what He has already done when I was busy trying to earn something that is supposed to be already mine which in that moment was approval/acceptance. I was unable to receive His love and grace for me because all I could think about were my imperfections and the perceived imperfections around me. I couldn’t sing songs about unfailing love and amazing grace when I was trying so hard to do things right and failing. How could I praise a God who is all about loving me when my lack of performance rendered me so unlovable in my mind? This is a constant struggle for me and I hate it.
So, I’m taking it back to the basics…at least I’m going to try to. I desire to re-learn Jesus’ message of grace. I don’t want to perform anymore. I don’t want to dislike myself anymore, even for a moment. I want to be free.
I leave for Launch tomorrow (January 5th), and then I leave the country on the 9th. I’m really hoping this next year will bring complete and everlasting freedom from, well, myself.
I’ll be reading Unmerited Freedom by Joseph Prince. I downloaded a copy through the Kindle App but Amazon has it for a decent price, too. Feel free to join me on this expedition.
Here’s to truth and freedom.
