(Bear with me as I’m not really in a writing mood.)
As I write this blog I want you all to know that I don’t know what I’m doing.
I’ve been traveling the world for almost 10 months now. For each country, I try to come up with a certain theme to describe my season. If you have read my previous blogs you might have noticed. For example last month in Thailand, the theme was conquer and flourish. I’ve had some trouble thinking of a theme this month. Nothing clicked, until today.
My theme for this season is,
“I don’t know what I’m doing”.
It’s a reoccurring phrase that keeps popping into my head.
I really don’t feel like writing at the moment. So here is a list. I list that proves, I don’t know what I’m doing.
This is our only month as just men. It’s new, and it’s different. We are also teaming up with 4 other guys from another squad. They are in month 8, and we barely know them. In the previous months God has been calling me to lead and shepherd. I’ve grown a lot in those two areas, but this month is different. With all of this new community, I don’t know what I’m doing.
Our ministry this month involves a lot of soccer and ultimate frisbee. I love competitive sports. I can play American football or baseball confidently, but when it comes to soccer and ultimate frisbee, I don’t know what I’m doing.
A few days ago we switched ministries. We took an overnight bus to a new city with a new host. I was taken to a house to install a sink. With absolutely no guidance or tools, the phrase popped up again, I don’t know what I’m doing.
With all of this going on, I’ve been struggling to read my Bible. I can’t focus, I’m having a hard time praying, and my mind is flooded with distractions. I don’t know what I’m doing.
As I think about my future, there are so many options. This journey is ending in 2 months and……I don’t know what I’m doing.
When I write my poetry,
As I step into photography,
When I write a blog,
As I try to keep in touch with friends and family,
And ultimately as I try to live my life for Jesus, the same phrase keeps coming up.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!
I don’t know what I’m doing and that’s ok.
I’m doing my best in every situation and giving my all when I can. When I can’t, I accept the free grace God has for me. I don’t know what I’m doing, but God does, and my life is in His hands.
So I’m going to continue giving my all.
As I play soccer against a traveling team of Nepali men.
As I struggle to lead and shepherd in an unfamiliar community.
As I fight to pray and read through the fog and distraction.
As I try my best to live a life of obedience to my Heavenly Father.
I will give my all.
I don’t know what I’m doing, and that’s ok.
With all of that being said, I’m doing great!
Malaysia has been more than good to me. I may not know what I’m doing, but the beautiful hikes, sports in the rain, and getting to know other men of God has been incredible. We also eat A LOT! We’ve had the blessing of trying out 25 different food places in only 2 weeks, and the food is good. I get to burn off all the calories through sports and hiking. My Jesus time hasn’t been ideal, but I’m still more in love with Jesus than ever before, and I’m still hearing from the Lord constantly.
Keep the prayers coming! I have a lot of exciting things coming up as the journey comes to an end. I will be posting a blog about what’s next. Stay tuned.
