The #2 Thief of Simplicity in Relationships – Expectations and Exceptions
What’s up, everybody! It has been a long time coming, but the continuation of the relationships series is finally here!
In the introduction to this blog series, I talked about the reality that we all have a wide array of experiences pertaining to past or present relationships. As we reflect on our relationships, whether past or present, these relationships and the corresponding experiences have resulted in a combination of emotions that can often lead us to the conclusion that relationships are complicated and confusing. A lot of us have experienced deep levels of hurt, mistrust, abuse, and neglect from our relationships. Additionally, a lot of us have experienced deep levels of healing, trust, joy, peace, and fulfillment.
So, why is it that relationships can lead to such a wide array of feelings and experiences? Are all of these feelings and experiences the will of God? Does God call relationships complicated and confusing? Of course not. God is a relational God. God is not in the business of making something that He desires for us, good quality relationships, to be complicated and confusing.
With that said, in this blog series, I am unpacking some of the major reasons that the simplicity in relationships that God desires for us has been stolen and replaced with feelings of complexity and confusion. My hope is that through reading these blogs and applying the truths therein, you will experience any necessary healing from your past, and you will have a positive shift in your perspective about your current and future relationships.
The first major thief of simplicity I discussed was ‘Our Experience’. It’s far too easy for us to develop our perspective on relationships from our past experiences. This is extremely problematic because we will begin to unfairly project our past and current experiences on others rather than embracing the simple love that God desires for us to have for people. Gaining our perspective on relationships through experience is robbing us of the simplicity in relationships that God desires for us. Love is simple; love loves. For a more in depth breakdown of this topic, click this link and watch the video I posted about how to overcome allowing our experiences to dictate how we embrace or current and future relationships.
In this blog, I am going to address the second greatest thief of simplicity in our relationships — EXPECTATIONS and EXCEPTIONS. More than likely, I am going to challenge a lot of your current beliefs on what love actually is and how to walk in it. You may have feelings of defensiveness rise up in you and desire to write me off. All I ask though is that you stick with me ‘til the end. Then, at the end, you decide for yourself if this is just my opinion or if what I’m saying is supported by something far greater than me, the Word of God. So without further ado, let’s dive in to new content.
NEW CONTENT:
The number two thief of simplicity in relationships is EXPECTATIONS and EXCEPTIONS.
Generally speaking, we have come up with a list of expectations for others that our love for them is contingent on them meeting. This is really NOT love at all, at least not the love that we were created for. When we step back and look at the reality of what this contingent love is, if we are honest, we can see that it’s actually need-driven selfishness. We actually NEED their love for us to be okay. We are not loving (verb) that person that we just put those expectations on.
Believe it or not, this is a form of bondage. When us loving people is contingent upon them returning that love, we have just placed ourself into the place of a victim, because we are now being dictated by their behavior and attitude. The type of love God desires, and the type of love you were created for, is a victorious love. This victorious love is not affected by others nor contingent upon another person’s behavior or attitude.
Pure love has no expectations and does not justify exceptions to loving — love just loves.
Love enters into relationships in order to love. Love gives freely without expecting anything in return. Love trusts because love trusts. Love does not have one self-seeking motive. Love ALWAYS acts in the best interest of the other. Love lays it’s life down for another, whether they are worthy of it or not.
Some might say, “I love like this EXCEPT when…” The problem is: the second you said ‘except’ is the second you stepped outside of the love that I’m talking about. The type of love I am talking about is what the Bible defines as ‘agape’. This love is God’s very essence. God is love. His love is not contingent upon our attitude and behavior. Love is simply what He is. That is why God loved us before we were ever born and will continue to love us through the good and bad. God loves us even when we don’t love Him because He IS love. Agape does not say except nor does it have expectations that must be met before it will extend itself to you. Agape’s very nature is love — no exceptions. Love loves. Period.
There are a number of reasons that we place expectations and exceptions on our love. Perhaps we were hurt or let down in the past, and as a result, we implement a defense mechanism called expectations and exceptions in order to avoid future pain. This makes rational sense. I would argue though that the main primary reason we place expectations and exceptions on our love is because we are not being fulfilled by the love of God. This is rooted in a wrong view of God, thinking that this is what He does for us. So, if we can correct our view of God, finding our love fulfillment in Him alone, then we will be able to love with the same love that He loves us — victorious love. Y’all, anything less than this is settling for something way less than you were created for. I hate seeing people settle. I want to see you thriving in the fullness of your identity, and this is only possible by receiving accurately the love that God has for us. Jesus died so that we might be filled with His love and become that very love. When we step into this, we step into 100% freedom. Anything less than 100% freedom is selling your life and the gospel short.
So, let’s take a quick look in the Bible at what I’m talking about. Below is a passage from the book of 1 Corinthians, chapter 13. Read this with me and then I will highlight a few portions of the passage for discussion. If we can truly understand the love that God has placed inside us, that we are capable of walking in, we WILL see simplicity restored to our relationships and walk in the victorious manner that we were designed for. Let’s take a look.
1 Corinthians 13:1-8a (NKJV) “1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have [the gift of] prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed [the poor,] and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. 4 Love suffers long [and] is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8a Love never fails.”
So, what does love made manifest look like?
Love:
- Suffers long
- Is kind
- Does not envy
- Does not parade itself
- Is not puffed up
- Does not behave rudely
- Does not seek its own
- Is not provoked
- Thinks no evil (Other translations say, “Keeps no record of wrongs”)
- Does not rejoice in iniquity
- Rejoices in the truth
- Bears all things
- Believes all things
- Hopes all things
- Endures all things
- Never fails
What a list!!!
One part that I am OBSESSED with and would like to elaborate on is the last one on the list and is verse 8a, “love never fails.” Wow. What does this mean? What does this tangibly look like? How does this practically apply to my life? This means that love ALWAYS wins. This means that love CANNOT be stopped. This means that love operates on a different playing field, one that is not contingent on the circumstance or the person I am loving.
Practically, this means that no one can stop you from living out verses 4-7. No one can stop you from suffering long (being patient). No one can stop you from being kind. No one can force you to envy. And the list goes on. Love is actually UNSTOPPABLE.
So, tangibly, how can we move out of this place of bondage created by conditional love and step into the 100% freedom of unconditional, unstoppable love?
First, we must understand that love is a heart posture. Love is NOT a feeling, an action, or a decision. Sure, love can be felt. And yes, love can be seen through our actions described in verses 4-7. However, love is something that proceeds from the heart and then manifests itself as an action. How do we know? Verses 1-3. We can see very clearly that we can say all the right things and do all the right things, and yet they can all be without love. Clearly, love is not the action itself, it’s the heart motivation behind the action.
Love is love because the individual’s heart is responding to and embodying the same love that they have received from God.
1 John 4:19 says, “We love because He first loved us.” Love is a reflex. It’s a response to a stimulant from God. True agape love is never stimulated by people, circumstances, experiences, or feelings. It is stimulated by fully seeing and receiving the love of God that was poured out for us through Jesus Christ.
If we believe that love is a choice, decision, or feeling rather than a natural response to God’s love, then we run the risk of getting into a position of striving or “trying” to love. LOVE JUST LOVES. Additionally, if love is a simply a choice or decision, we could potentially get proud and start to think more highly of ourselves than we ought, because now it’s us “changing ourselves” and choosing the loving behavior. That’s called behavior modification. The gospel is NOT about behavior modification; it is about LIFE TRANSFORMATION. God wants you to become the very love you’ve received. Jesus did not die a ruthless death so that we could “try” to love people. He died so that love would fill our hearts and we would begin to live from the inside out. I do NOT believe in a gospel of behavior modification. I believe in a gospel of life transformation, where we receive a new heart and a new spirit (Ezekiel 36:26-27). I believe in a gospel where we become a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), and then we are filled with the love of God in our hearts by the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5). The gospel is about grace, not works. And true grace, as Strong’s dictionary defines it, is the divine influence upon the heart, reflected in the life. You see, true love for others is a reflection, not a work of our own.
This brings me to the conclusion…
It’s time we stopped settling.
It’s time we tapped into the fullness of what Jesus paid for — unconditional love. I can guarantee you that if you will truly lay hold of this truth, your relationships will be rid entirely of complexity and confusion. You will no longer concern yourself with circumstances or other people’s actions and attitudes, because they will no longer be able to stop you from loving them. There will no longer be exceptions for when you love and when you don’t. You will drop the expectations that you place on other people because you will begin to see that true love is free from that. Love just loves. Period.
With all of this being said, the love that I am talking about is IMPOSSIBLE without relationship with God, through faith in Jesus Christ. Relationship with God through Jesus MUST be the starting place. Because at the moment you place your faith in Jesus and step into relationship with God, God sends the Holy Spirit to fill your heart with His agape love (Romans 5:5), giving you the capacity to love like I am talking about. I am a living testimony that this is worth it. I can promise you, you’ll never regret receiving this gift of relationship with God through the salvation of Jesus Christ — you were created for it. I used to be a man driven by circumstances, feelings, and other people. I used to be a man that sought fulfillment and love in everything except God — drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, success, money, body image, etc. I can confidently say that I did not forsake those things because of a religion, I forsook those things because I have become fulfilled in my heart by the love of God poured out through Jesus Christ. I haven’t looked back. And I don’t plan on it.
So, if you are not a Christian and you want to step into the highest level of freedom and love you’ve ever experienced, I’m here to tell you that it’s worth it. It’s SO worth it. And it’s as simple as receiving God’s love and forgiveness. He already extended it through Jesus. Through Jesus, God is screaming, “I’m not holding your sins against you! Place your faith in My Son’s death and resurrection and I will forget that you ever sinned. Because I so long to be in relationship with you. And I so love you.” If any of you wants this new beginning and desire to step into the victorious love that you were created for, PLEASE direct message me. I would be happy to help you on your journey in any way I can. God loves you and created you in His image, love. Why? Because love loves. And love needs someone to love. That’s why you are here. To receive His love and to be love to the world. Please reach out if I can help! You’re amazing and it’s never too late!
For those of you who already have a relationship with God through Jesus, yet you feel as if you are not tapping into this victorious love that I’m describing, I have some advice… Get alone with God and receive His love. More than likely, the issue is that you’ve been seeking your love fulfillment through people and circumstances, which history almost guarantees will let you down. You must receive God’s love for you. Receiving God’s love is as simple as BELIEVING — believing that God REALLY does love you. Look to the cross. Thank God for sending His Son. He would not have sent Jesus if He did not truly love you and KNOW that you are totally worth it all the suffering He would experience. You are worth it to God! Now believe that truth. If you get alone with God and are receiving His love, but still feel like a victim to people and circumstances around you, PLEASE direct message me. I would love to help you also in any way that I can!
THANK YOU for taking the time to read this blog. I pray that it blessed you! God bless you!
Best,
Ryan O’Keefe
+1 (405) 208-3585
#asyougochristianity #loveasyougo #yaygod #11in11 #worldrace18
