I’ve Been Afraid to Live…
I realized today that I have been afraid to truly live my life….
I write this blog with just about one month left on this world race mission trip that I first embarked on 10 months ago. I came on this trip to battle fear and to go on an adventure with God to learn the true essence of living life with him…
But the Lord has awakened me to the fact that I still have not unlocked my heart to truly live the life that He has given me and granted me to live with and in Him by my side and within me…
The Lord has been teaching me a lot about what it means to go from living a life full of religion and living a life full of a true relationship with and in Christ. He’s been teaching me and awakening me from what it means to be a slave and a servant, to a Son and a friend of God
He’s been teaching me about the true freedom that Christ brought to me and all believers when He died on the cross for our sins. God’s been teaching me that Christ not only brought freedom from eternal death, all evil, and sin. But that Christ brought freedom from the law that God had to create (Old Testament living). The Lord has been teaching me the difference between living a life based on works righteousness and living a life fully rooted in faith righteousness (God has been teaching me this through the book of Galatians in the Bible. Galatians 2:15-21).
– Ephesians 2:8-9
“Clearly no one is justified before God by the law, because “The righteous will live by faith.”
– Galatians 3:11
I have come alive in some aspects, but in a couple very deep insecurities and fears, my heart is very locked away and hidden within me…
God revealed this to me in a way that only He could through a way that He speaks to me through so much…movies! I watched two movies today, the Disney Pixar movie “Brave” and the new movie from MTV productions “Footloose.” In both of these movies there is a story about finding the personal freedom to live your life. In both of the movies there are two characters who fight for their freedom to live and decide what is right for themselves, instead of being ruled by their parents, traditions, or laws. They are stories about finding who you are and learning the true essence of how to live…
In the movie, “Footloose” a tragedy happens in the town where the Pastor along with other board members from the town council decide to outlaw dancing and playing loud music along for teenagers under the age of 18. Now there were points while watching this movie, that I wanted to turn it off and I was really asking God why He lead me to watch this, but by the end of the movie I was blown away by how God brought His freedom into light through this movie about my life that I hope changes me forever.
The Pastor in the movie played by Dennis Quaid, said something that the Lord used to speak to the core my heart. The Pastor explained how he made all of these rules and laws because he wanted to protect his children and the people who he loved. But He is now realizing that by making all these rules and regulations, it’s not giving them an opportunity to decide how they want to live. He said how can I preach to the children to be trust worthy and Godly people, if I’m never giving them opportunity to make decisions for themselves in choosing how they want to live and who they want to be. I realized through this scene of the movie how afraid I have been of the pain that I would receive through making mistakes in making decisions within my life. I am on the journey of beginning to understand and learn that when we make mistakes it’s an invitation to grow and learn from them.
Let me explain in more detail:
As I watched this the core of my being was awakened with how much I have entrapped my heart from truly living the life that God has created me to live…that He has freed me to live…
Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again to the yoke of slavery.”
– Galatians 5:1
As I got up and went for a run, my mind thought of a song that is wrote by one of my most meaningful friends and mentors. It’s called Afraid to Live. As I listened to it on repeat while running, I found how true the lyrics described my life in how I have been truly afraid to live…
Here are the lyrics of the song “Afraid to Live” by Aaron Wardle
“I’ve been afraid to live in fear that I might leave the path that you have for me….
so I locked my heart away, so I locked my heart away…
I’ve been afraid to love in fear that I might bleed….
so I locked my heart away…
But you’re leaping over mountains and your scaling walls, kicking through my windows, pounding on my doors, singing come out come out wherever you are, the winters have passed and the rains are gone…
I’ve been afraid to dream, in fear they won’t come true…and people would laugh at me….
so I locked my heart away…so I locked my heart away….
You keep leaping over mountains and scaling walls, kicking through my windows, pounding on my doors, singing come out come out wherever you are, the winter has passed and the rains are gone…”
* This song rings so true for how I have been afraid to live…
Here are 3 points from the song to explain what I mean –
1.) I’ve been afraid to live in fear that I might leave the path that you (God) has for me….
Ever since I got saved 7 years ago, I have wanted God to make all of my decisions for me
I have been so so afraid and in bondage in fear that I would fail God or go outside of his will. I’ve never had the courage to make a decision and have allowed anxiety and worry to rule me when needing to make a decision. I have spent my life in constant fear that I would fall outside of God’s will and fail him. I have spent hours trying to discern what God wants me to do and have tried my best trying to follow his orders like a servant obeys his master
…but God calls me a son and a friend, not a slave and a servant
– (John 15:15, Galatians 4:7, and Romans 8:15)
2.) I’ve been afraid to love in fear that I might bleed….
I have been so afraid to fall in love…I have been so afraid of the fear of getting hurt and that I would always be alone because I am unlovable and don’t know how to love or let myself be loved…
I have never had a relationship with a girl for more than a month in my entire life, because of letting this fear control me. I have never had the courage to truly let someone in because I have been too afraid that I would get hurt in the process or that she was the wrong girl for me and that I was outside of God’s will…
(Now sometimes I definitely was outside of God’s will by making poor choices and decisions, but oh how much I have missed in life by letting this fear control me…)
I’ve been afraid to love, because I’ve been to afraid of getting hurt…which entailed has hurt me more
3.) I’ve been afraid to dream, out of a fear that they won’t come true, and out of fear that people would laugh at me…
It is now almost the one month mark until I get to come home from this 11 month long journey and if I’m being honest, I’m pretty scared in a lot of ways to come back home. I’m scared because I’m scared to dream…I’m scared because I don’t know what’s next within my life and I’m scared that I won’t have an exciting next chapter to live of adventure and journeying with God. I’m scared of letting my family down who all expect me to be at a financial place being 28 years old to provide for myself. Most of all I’m scared of letting God down by not living the Kingdom life that I know He has called me to live…
I’ve been scared that I won’t be called into the game and that I will ride the bench like I did when I played football in high school watching my friends play the game that I loved so much…
I’ve been afraid to live, I’ve been afraid to love, and I’ve been afraid to dream….
*But the winter is has passed and the rains are gone …
And God is calling me to Live…
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Let me take this a little deeper and explain this a little further:
See I have always wanted God to make all the decisions for me within my life and when I couldn’t hear him or made a decision that I felt like was outside of his will, I would condemn and beat myself up for it for days with so much regret and sorrow. I always thought God would just lead me to the right girl to marry one day and that I would just know it was her and she would know if was me at first sight. But I’m learning the essence of how great being on a journey is and how important something will be to you when you have to fight for it, search for it, and most importantly be blessed with it. If I just met my wife and never got hurt in the past and never had to date, search, and fight to find her…she wouldn’t mean as much to me when I was finally blessed with the blessing to be with her…
One of my closest friends Nate once told me that when he pursued his wife, he would always tell himself that if he didn’t get to marry her, he wanted to treat her so great and do the most amazing things for her that no other guy could ever live up to. I remember him telling me once (now being married to her) that it was so hard at times to not give up when pursuing the one who he was in love with in fear that it might never work out. Yet he chose her in his heart and didn’t give up out of love in his heart. He knew there was a chance they would never be together, but he still fought for her and treated her better than anyone else on this earth ever could. Nate’s constant pursuit in love for his wife opened her heart to see the true love that Nate had and still has for her to this day. It’s a story to remind me about the true gift of having to wait, search, and fight for the ONE who you and God CHOOSE together.
I know Nate loves his wife more today than if his wife was just given to him because he fought so hard and so long to earn, receive, and be blessed with her love as his wife!
I have prayed for so many years for God to choose my wife for me, but now I think he’s whispering me these words….
“Ryan…Let’s choose her together…I want to choose together”
If I was just given my wife without ever dating or being hurt from the past or the journey to find her, I honestly don’t think she would mean as much to me as she will when God and I find her together after searching for her for so long…
I am learning that love between a man and a wife is so strong and powerful because It’s a CHOICE…
A husband and wife choose each other, they weren’t just assigned to each other, But they chose each other and continue to choose each other through the good times and the hard times, when the feelings are there and when the passion and feelings are missing, Yet real love wakes up every day and
CHOOSES TO LOVE…because it’s a choice
I’ve always struggled believing in myself and I’m learning that if I don’t start believing in myself and remembering who I am in Christ, I won’t have a life at all if I don’t have the courage to start truly living it. I’ve been in bondage with worry about the future and worry about if I will ever be blessed to get married one day. I get so much anxiety about the fear of who she will be and if she will truly love me. I am in bondage of constant fear which has took my courage away to truly live….
But I am choosing to want God to guide me in this life…I want to follow His will…but I am realizing that if I never start fully living…I’m never going to have the opportunity to have the amazing blessings and will that God has for me
I want to choose God’s will with Him…I do believe he has plans for me…but I also believe he gives me the freedom in being his son to choose yes to what plans He has for me
* I’m learning the essence that God is a God of goodness and love over a God who is just sovereign…
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So even though I’m very scared (yet very excited) to come home being almost 28 years old and having no idea of where I will live, what I will do, or who and if I will one day get married to. With God’s help and the continued inspiration from friends and family I’m gonna choose to start living….i’m gonna choose to start loving….i’m gonna choose to start dreaming…
In Aaron’s song he repeats these verses over and over ending the song with a promise from God…
“You keep leaping over mountains and scaling walls, kicking through my windows, pounding on my doors, singing come out come out wherever you are, the winter has passed and the rains are gone…”
It’s a reminder that God brings life and life to the full in and through Jesus Christ (John 10:10) He didn’t create me to be a robot and just follows orders. Yes I believe God guides us by the power of His Holy Spirit living within us, but I also believe God gives us the freedom to CHOOSE to LIVE! These verses in Aaron’s song is a declaration and a reminder that God isn’t going to let fear control me anymore, it’s a a declaration that God’s not going to give up on me…but God will lead me and help me step by step moment by moment in living the adventure of this life that He has created me to live…
I’m deciding that I’m going to choose to live! I am choosing to realize that I will make mistakes and wrong choices, but I will be picked up by God’s Grace and Love as a Father picks up his little boy when he falls off of the bike that he is learning how to ride. I will view mistakes as an invitation to get better, learn, and draw closer to my Father through the mistakes that I make.
Here is the big one: I’m making a declaration that I’m going to choose to Love! By choosing to love I am going to realize that I might get hurt on the journey of falling in love. I’m going to decide to realize that I might have to date and be in a relationship with a couple different girls (at different times of course) before I find, choose, and be blessed with the Bride in Christ that God has for me. I will continue to use Godly discernment and ask for His guidance the whole way, but I am going to choose to trust that if I date someone and she’s not the one who God blesses me to marry, that he will still have worked through her and that relationship within my life for my good and his Godly purposes within my life as Romans 8:28 from the Bible promises.
Lastly – I’m going to choose to start dreaming…trusting that God has better plans for me than I do for myself. I’m going to trust that God will open doors for me to lead me to do what He has created me to do on this earth for his Love, Kingdom, and Glory. But in choosing this, I must realize that this might mean taking some jobs at first that I know are not necessary my first calling. I’m going to trust that God will lead me in the decisions that I make. I’m going to trust that it will be a journey with God to get to the dreams that God has placed within my heart and that it might not happen in the first job or opportunity that I am given.
I want to try to start every morning with a prayer like this: God help me choose to live…help me live this day with you…lets live this day and life deciding to live together moment by moment, decision by decision, in faith, trust, and adventure!
Thanks for reading my story – I hope it blesses you!
Please download the song from itunes “Afraid to live” by Aaron Wardle so you can hear the song for yourself. Also if you live near Ashland, Ohio Aaron is coming from California to play a concert at Ashland University Wednesday April 24. If you able to go, I know you will be really blessed by it.
Here is a link for more information and also a video at the end of the blog about Aaron’s album “Afraid to Live.” https://www.facebook.com/events/359021164215579/
Thanks for living this journey with me on the world race like you have…It feels like I’m about to wake up from a dream in a way that I am getting to come home in one month. I honestly can’t believe it and it’s going to be a unique awakening of the realization of coming home to get to see my family and friends. I honestly can’t explain how much your support, love, and prayers have meant to me. Even if you have never wrote to me or prayed for me, just by you reading my blogs, even though I don’t know who you are, you have truly blessed me.
Thank you…
I have one more month…I know God is still going to do amazing things this month…the race isn’t over yet and I don’t want to just run to finish, but run to win…to win and live with Christ side by side with me and in me, the one in front of me leading and guiding me the whole way, and the one behind me protecting me and picking me up when I fall. – ( Thanks Glenn, Hank, Domonic, and Billy Edgell for the inspiration, your love, encouragement, prayers, and inspiration along with many others have carried me and blessed me so much through this jounrney – I love you all and am so thankful to have you as friends and brothers in Christ in my life! Thank you to everyone)
BELIEVE….
but until you start believing in yourself, you ain’t gonna have a life.”
I need to start believing in myself…
I need to start believing that God loves me and has given me the freedom to live and be ME
I hope you will join me on this journey of becoming fully alive in Christ and being the amazing people that He has created us to be – Ephesians 2:4-10 style!
Thank you and see you soon!
