This first month the whole squad was together. Fearless Unity (my team) partned with Teleios. The first week and half or so consisted of ministry going to touresty places. Our contact person is a student, learning english, and was new to this minitry thing. I was praying that the Spirit would come and so something but didn’t. Hearing stories from other teams about sharing the Gospel in an english class or teaching english to little munchkins, made my heart sad. That is what I wanted to be apart of, not going to touresty spots. I felt useless.
As I wrestled with God and prayed about this, God slowly opened some doors. I went to dinner with my team leader and a squad leader with about 7 Chinese students. I had the opportunity to share the Gospel with both of them. Cool thing was they understood it! I got their email, but haven’t heard anything back from them. I wanted more of that but God had something different in store, question was what.
Things started turing around a bit during an amazing day of ministry of handing clothes out to the poorest area I have ever seen. Kids started running or families came over as they were curious about the happenings in the area. Seeing such joy on the kids face as they received clothes and people who wanted to play, chase them around, and to just love on them. A team member brought her guitar and played for them until one of our interpreters played and lead the locals in a classic worship song from Rich Mullins called Awesome God.
Later, we went to english corner to help with orientation and to talk with Chinese people who were excited for college and english speaking people. Brought my guitar to draw people over, it worked and got a fan club out of the deal. All this was great, but what the Lord started in me, I believe was the ministry for the week.
Some things from my past that the Lord brought up and wanted to bring them to light. Let’s just say that it was freaking painful just thinking about it, let alone sharing it with my team. Writing this part my fingers are trembling but the still small voice knows what is best for me…here it goes.
I have major trust issues and have gotten a question that I never wanted to hear, “Are you gay?” Women have ripped my heart out, and gave it back it me in huge pieces. Telling things i’m going through or a secret to one of my guys friends; a couple days later a different guy friend comes by and asks how I’ m doing on such a such a thing; who the crap told you. I gave up on women and turned to men and did this for a couple years. Other parts of my past came up to and didn’t realize how much my life is a mess. I believe the song Beautiful Mess explains what I have been going through this past month. The Lord brought this up for healing, and to start coming out as who he is wanting me to be. This race is going to be harder than I thought!!
Over the past few weeks I was convicted of this. I regret this small part of my life and even going down this road to try and find myself. I am found in Christ where I come broken and beautiful and made a new creation through him; not other people. During these weeks I was seeking the Lord and surrendering to him. Jesus says in Mathew “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” A song from Starfield called Just Surrender kept playing through my head. I have finally let go of this part of my life! Thank you Jesus for revealing it to me, grieving it, and surrendering it you. I had a dream and someone told me that I will make a great husband for such a woman of God someday. I believe this dream will come true someday. I will marry the most amazing woman of God someday!
