Hello
there “Month 6″….Oh how you surprised me!
If
you are looking for a warm and fuzzy blog, full of rainbows and
pretty pictures; then I am sorry this is not the blog for you today.
I want to pour out my heart with where I am at right now…I need
prayer. I need encouragement. I need to feel loved. I need God to
show up in a big way! I am broken…this is my cry for help!
I
would say spiritually speaking, right now, I am struggling! I am
“churched” out. I feel like we are being paraded around to pour
out to other people, with out being given proper time to fill back
up. I haven’t felt encouraged, filled up, challenged or pushed
spiritually since we got here to Rwanda. I feel like we are the ones
running the show here, and everyone wants a ticket to see the Mzungu
(white person) talk. The way we do door to door here, I struggle
with; we are paraded around door to door, to talk only to Christians,
when we come across a Muslim, or a person of a different faith, they
don’t want us to talk to them We are steered away and are told
they will only want to argue. I don’t agree with this, as Jesus
would go talk to them and love on them. I am pretty sure I came on
this trip to serve, not just Christians, but all who are thirsty and
hungry, to feed them with truth and life. I am struggling with how we
are portrayed as Christians to the people here.
Now,
emotionally, I am empty. I can’t feel anything right now other than
frustration! I haven’t felt God all month. I feel very lonely. So
distant. So alone. I feel like I am battling so much right now in my
personal life, but yet have no where to turn; yet I live in community
where I should be able to do this in a healthy way. But I do open up,
I do share, I do seek help, as do my teammates; yet, I feel like I am
not growing from it. Why is this so hard?
We
are in month 6 of our Race…I am so frustrated that I feel farther
away from God right now then I when I started the race. I know God is
not a God of circumstances. I know that He is the same God and
faithful to me no matter where I am with my walk. But I am crying out
and I want to feel His touch. I feel so alone….I feel so distant
from the people on my team. We live a life so centered on ministry
that it has become hard to do “normal life” together. I have lost
grip of what it is to be a normal, single person from America, in my
20’s. My team mates and I feel more like “co-workers”. I am
missing my friends back home, missing people I can laugh with, I can
do life with, without feeling strange or like it is a forced thing.
Don’t get me wrong…I love my team, we do laugh, we care for and
love each other…but why are we in this funk?
I
am in a desert with my walk right now. I don’t want this to sound
all negative, but I am being honest and realistic with where I am
currently at. I know I am in a desert for a reason; God is showing me
ways to grow, He is breaking me, and I am excited to see what He has
next for me. He is good all the time. I do love Rwanda. I love my
Team. I love the Race. And I love myself. I am just struggling a lot,
more than I ever imagined.
Right
now I am learning that everything I thought I knew…I don’t. And
that the race…is a race, you have to fight to make it to the end
and finish strong. It is not always an easy walk; it takes effort,
some struggle, some sweat, and some tears. But I am learning that God
runs the race with me, I need only to rely on Him to make it to the
finish line; because when I rely on myself I only tire out and fade
away. So I am learning to give the baton to Jesus when I am empty and
to trust that he will lead the way for me.
Please
be praying for me, my team and my squad; I feel we are all facing
different struggles and battles right now. For me, please pray for
God to show up big in my life, to be filled with His presence and His
Spirt. To have the mindset and heart and attitude of Christ. I am off
center and need some help. I want FREEDOM, PEACE, and LOVE to abound
in me.
This
is a prayer one of my teammates gave to me. It really hits me with
where I am at and the struggles I am going through:
My
Lord God
I
have no idea where I am going
I
do not see the road ahead of me.
I
cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor
do I really know myself,
and
the fact that I think I am following
Your
will does not mean
that
I am actually doing so.
But
I believe that my desire to please You
does
in fact please You.
And
I hope that I have that desire
in
all that I am doing.
I
hope that I will never do anything
apart
from that desire.
And
I know that if I do this
You
will lead me by the right road
though
I may know nothing about it.
Therefore
will I trust You always
though
I may seem to be lost
and
in the shadow of death.
I
will not fear,
for
You are ever with me,
and
You will never leave me
to
face my perils alone.
–
Thomas Merton (1915-1968)
Love
you all
Ryan
