Like I was stuck on the ground floor of a high riser.
Charlotte has been great. Enjoying the city life. Not quite what I’m used to, but culture is a beautiful thing. Friends have been visiting. I’ve been making some friends. I have gotten involved in a bible study weekly with the youth group leadership team, that has been encouraging. What has been most encouraging though…
Has been a Men’s group that has been meeting Saturday mornings. For people who have ever experienced lust and have ever been in captivity (or currently are) with lust, masturbation, or porn. It has been helpful with dealing with those things. But, it basically has to do with every other aspect of life and our relationships with God and how THAT deeper stuff is what drives us to look to depend on anything other than God. In this case, sexual sin. So, this has been stuff that I have dealt with at various levels or heights throughout life. lol basiccalllyyy since developing a brain.
God has healed me of these things in the 2 months that I have been a part of this group. 2+ Months since I’ve given in to these temptations.
It isn’t about a formula. It isn’t that I am motivating myself to be successful. It is that with prayer from my brothers and His hand… the temptation has been there. But finally, after years of “doing well for a few months, slipping up for a week… or doing good a couple weeks and slipping up one night”…. I have been able to cut that sick cycle carousel by allowing God in to the darkest episodes of temptation.
Praise God, right?! Heck yeah.
But I have been struggling even more now with other things.
I have been working through things in my heart. A lot of things. I am honestly intimidated with the Race approaching. doubts have been stirring up. Reevaluating my faith. Why though?
What I’m realizing:
That whole lust thing… It has been my “biggest struggle”. When accountability partners have asked me, how did you do this week with (fill in the blank)? I would either respond that i did well or that I really struggled.
The problem this caused:
I allowed there to be too much of a correspondence or synonymous relationship between How i was doing with THAT stuff… and how my relationship was with God. If i was pushing those desires away.. I thought i was getting closer to a God who I was potentially a certain distance away from. But okay listen
This isn’t just another “we aren’t saved by our works” thing. That isn’t where I’m going with this, so keep reading.
Conclusion:
My victories (“I had a good week”) were small, ground floor, victories. Yes, I had experienced God help me overcome temptation before… but this wasn’t even reaching the first floor of the heights God COULD take me.
My sins promoted apathy. The gravitational pull that keeps one from really experiencing the potential of what God wants to do through us when we are free from those chains. Every couple weeks when I would “fall” I would fall a couple floors. It isnt that SINNING once would be a dealbreaker and that God’s perfect Grace and faithfulness doesnt cover it. IT just means that with my small human finite brain, my focus would shift back to that struggle. I would be trying to walk up the steps backwards with my eyes down there instead of ahead of me.. at Jesus’ Face. Try to walk up stairs backwards. NOPE.
Where my current problem lies, and where my doubts come from:
NOW since i’m out of the darkness. I realize just how dark it was, and how bright it is. The Shadow Proves the Sunshine right? (ps. thank you Jon Foreman)
:(Current Problem):
I am so used to small victories. falling down a flight or two. Apathy. My faith journey hasn’t been how God intended. How i am doing with God isn’t “how has your week been Ryan?” It is “Are you being transformed by God/Jesus’ character and are you trying to become more like Him out of love and obedience, just because he says so. Are you performing good works for the simple purpose of pleasing God with a sweet aroma (2 Corinthians 2:15) and not for your own GAIN at all. and not because you just love ministry. and not just because you love people. For God’s honor above anything?
:(Doubts):
Because I have been experiencing such an infinitesimal walk with God. I have been shell shocked by my fellow Christian friends whom I have been meeting who ARE living a BIG WALK. They are seeing God heal people. They are sensing the Holy Spirit (which lives IN US). They talk of Jesus as if He really IS their father, rather than just another name we call him. Things that are at such a height greater than where I have been for a period of time now. This has caused me to re-evaluate where I am at! I need to figure this crap out yo! Do I believe God can do these things? I better believe it! The World Race is going to be the ultimate time where God is going to do miraculous things through us. I dont doubt that GOD IS going to do the unimaginable.
But am I ready to see the height of what He can do through ME? Am I brave enough to put ALL of my faith in the fact that the Spirit IS inside of me and that I HAVE the authority to proclaim his name among the nations? To stand on top ‘that building, dang it!
Please pray for me, that God will continue to work on my heart in this. I feel much more authentic in my prayer and thought-life than in so long. I have such a greater desire to pursue Him than I have in a while. I want God to just keep taking my heart and transforming me before this Race approaches and it is “GO-TIME” to start getting things DONE for the kingdom of God rather than questioning where I am or where I am not.
(UPDATE 4/13: Sitting at Detroiot Metro Airport.. God put Phillipians 3:13 in my mind. I looked it up… this is what it says! “Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it (all) my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.”)
I know that it isn’t about me CLIMBING harder to get to him. I just mentally want to overcome my stagnant spirit that once existed. It is time to let Him lead me, and trust he will guide my steps.
I need to follow him for the simple sake of being close to Him and becoming more like him. Rather than just to prevent myself from falling or seeing the beautiful views he has in store.
Give praise to the LORD, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Psalm 105:1
Thank you SO much for reading all of this. QUICK UPDATE. I am currently at $5,298 of $7,500 due Mid June, in order to go on the race. a HUGE thank you to those who have supported me. I am now looking for MONTHLY DONORS.
I would be completely funded by January (when i need to reach $16,267)
if 50 people gave $20 a month.
if 20 people gave $50 a month.
if 10 people gave $100 a month.
I know He’s got this. 🙂
