When I realize I am nothing
is when He blows it up and shows how big He is.
I’ve been missing in action in the recent days.
There’s no insane reasoning behind it besides I am just
tired.
For a couple months now I have just felt outside of myself.
I don’t find joy in minor things that I used to.
I used to get pumped for three days when I would see a cute little old lady.
Or drink a dang good cup of coffee.
Or simply sitting down and writing.
Worship music used to get me on my face.
Journaling used to clear my head.
Even just seeing someone with joy would pump me up.
I thrive off being joyful.
Freaking love it.
Freaking love it.
I love getting butterflies.
I love laughing.
I love being.
I love laughing.
I love being.
I haven’t felt any of that in a long while.
I find myself dragging my feet as I walk…
as if there is a 300 lb man chilling on my back.
It makes no sense…
and i’m tired of it.
I feel as though I don’t even have the energy to pursue Jesus.
It sounds dumb, but even the energy to legit relax.
I am just chilling.
I am just chilling.
existing.
I cling to the truth that I know i’m called to huge things
but I don’t feel them… that’s for sure.
I am well aware of the shit in the world that I saw all last year…
and the babies that have been abandoned that are meant to be my children.
I know those things.
But I sure as heck don’t feel it.
I am thoroughly apathetic.
I know community is needed in my life
and I desire it but when it comes down to the momentary decision
to dive into it
i retract.
I’m tired of sharing.
Of encouraging.
Of being transparent.
Of being.
I’d rather be alone than to be with people.
That is absolutely not me.
I was watching Saturday Night Live this past weekend
and Mumford & Sons blew it up midway through the show.
I sat there mesmorized with chills all over my body because of their freaking passion for music.
One of the guys was turning blue because he was singing with everything he had.
I loved it.
I want that passion for life back.
Something sparked inside of me by something so trivial
like a band playing on television.
God is now using forms of entertainment to show me what i’m missing out on…
Clearly I’m in need of some getting on my face time with Him.
I then went to Church the next morning and one of the guys that leads worship
had sweat pouring down his face as he sang to our Savior.
I stood in awe again.
Anytime I see someone giving their all
I desire it.
I desire it.
I was envious of his passion for the Lord.
I want to be someone who is looked at as someone who gives their all…
gives their all for the Lord.
That’s not who I am right now.
I want that.
But then the queston is how the heck do I get there when I’m so weak and tired and over it?
And that right there… is the exact answer to my question.
He LOVES when we get to that point…
the point that there is no way that we can go on without Him.
Over and over again on the race I learned that it is when I am weak that
I need HIM most.
I like to think on most days that I’m a capable strong person…
but He randomly let’s me be taken down so I will realize it’s that when I’m weak…
He is able to show just how strong he is.
When we were pounding up the Himalayas in Nepal I was so weak and exhausted
When we were pounding up the Himalayas in Nepal I was so weak and exhausted
and that’s when I dove into his love and grace and strength most.
Or when I got so overly exhausted and legit felt like I couldn’t
hold one more baby
or preach one more time
or pray over one more sick person
or build one more thing
or have one more team time…
It was when I was at the end of my rope
that he was like “freaking finally Ruth…
about time you realize you are nothing without me.”
Okay Lord,
I get it… again.
I am indeed nothing without you.
I have no energy or passion or desire.
I have no love left to give.
I don’t have one more listening ear to give.
I don’t have one more ounce of advice to give
I don’t have one more smile to give or
the energy to even dream anymore.
I don’t even have the energy to get myself alone to get in your presence.
I sure as heck don’t have the energy or passion to go love on the homeless
or the elderly.
I don’t even have the energy to get out of bed in the morning and go to work
much less serve those around me
or raise my hands in worship.
I give up.
I surrender.
I’m yours.
I am no longer mine.
Show me how to let you use me.
I hate that i have to learn this lesson over and over
but God I pray it sticks this time.
I beg it to stay.
I want you to use my body as a vessel
instead of Satan blowing up this flesh for his sick temporary glory.
I want it to be clear just by my existence
I want it to be clear just by my existence
that I find my entire identity in you.
I’ve steered away from that
and I’ve started carrying myself the way I once did
and I’ve started carrying myself the way I once did
before you blew me up with my new identity.
Take it away.
I want to smell like you.
I want to smell like you.
I need you to reignite a flame that was once there.
I need your strength and energy that I no longer have.
I’m yours.
Sing over me when I’m sleeping.
Sing over me when I’m sleeping.
Give me the joy of your freaking salvation.
I’m sick of existing.
Do what you do
and i’ll sit back and let you.
Be my all.
