I sometimes desire the Lord so bad that my soul hurts…
But I feel as though the He is unattainable to the extent
that I need Him.
Easter Sunday was the last time that I legit allowed myself to be in his presence
and it lasted for maybe 30 seconds.
I finally let my walls down for a moment and desperately begged for him to
reveal himself to me.
One of those “Let me touch your cloak” moments.
He immediately took over and I couldn’t help but weep.
I then decided there’s no way it was real…
no way that I truly was just touched by the Lord Almighty
and i sucked in the tears and composed myself.
I heard Him say why can’t you just trust me Ruth.
I don’t know Lord,
I don’t know why I don’t trust you.
I beg and beg and beg for more of you
then once I feel you I retract.
I’m terrified of the dreams and visions and prophecies I have been given.
It’s as if I see this huge plan you have for me..
and I get butterflies
But when I think of these things actually taking place I convince myself it’s impossible.
How could you blow up someone like me.
and yeah I get that those are just lies I’m believing.
I get that there is redemption in your blood
and that you call the broken
But just getting that into my little head is what’s impossible.
I secretly wish I was called to the comfortable American life.
That it was kosher for me to just be cozy for the rest of my life.
But it’s not what I was created to do.
What doesn’t make sense to me is that
I have been created in your image.
created to find my very identity in you.
Created to be affirmed only by you.
Created to be yours and you be mine.
My very resistence to this idea that I know sure and well
Is the reason I’m so empty and desperate.
It’s as if I know exactly what I’m supposed to do.
I’m supposed to “give up”
But how on earth do I do that?
There have been a few times that I can look back and be like
yeah I legit died in that moment and surrendered.
Those can be counted on one hand…
I don’t get how to do it daily.
I don’t get most things.
I very much love and desire you, Lord.
I feel like you are a huge ocean…
and i’m this measley little girl chilling on the shore.
I’ve heard great things of what it’s like to become thoroughly submerged in you.
But nope.
I’m sitting on the shore.
Taking in the scene and loving the view.
Being intrigued by the waves crashing on the shore
but terrified of what it would be like to actually be overtaken by them.
Loving the smell of the air
and the wind on my face.
Getting my feet wet every once in awhile.
using the water to wash the sand off my hands
using it to clean some of my mess…
and every once in awhile taking a dive
only to immediately freak out and pound towards the shore.
Terrified of the unknown and the complete surrender of it.
This is a scary prayer, Lord
But I clearly need something to get me off the shore.
Send a huge crashing wave
so that I cannot even cling to the shore.
If it takes a freaking hurricane of you…
I’ll take it.
I want to be suffocated in your presence…
I just don’t know how take the initial dive.
The hardest part is that
i’m aware that once I take the plunge…
I will drown in you.
My flesh will HAVE to die.
That’s scary.
I love the comfort I have doing what I want to do.
I’m terrified of the total surrender it will take to be
overtaken by such a strong power.
But, I’m in Lord.
Whatever it takes.
Send it.
