Over it.

Why? 

I’m over it. 

I know the truth but I’m tired of pursuing Him.

I know that he is the only answer…

but so much more seems appetizing. 

Sounds treacherous and terrible to admit it…

but I feel as though there are many who feel this way at some point. 

I opened my bible for the first time in days.. and this is what I read. Dangit.

Slammed. 

Boom. 

God you summon me by name even when I couldn’t care less?

You are strengthening me even when I don’t care at all?

I’m tired.

I of course want to quit this and get the flip out of your will.

I’m tired of pursuing you.

It is hard. 

My Spirit is willing…

It’s a constant battle. 

I’m tired of constantly being on my guard. 

On guard spiritually and even physically. 

I tend to ignore the spiritual Rhelm and just worry about the physical which is super hard too. 

I am tired of deep conversations and being called out in love. 

It’s annoying. 

I am sick of moving around.

Sick of the exciting “hello”

and the dreaded “Goodbye” 28 days later.

Sick of putting my heart out only to get it back soon after.

I’m exhausted.

I have recently adopted the ridiculous lie from satan 

that if I am not passionately pursuing you and learning new things that I have…

I have no idea how to rest in you.

If i stop going 200 miles an hour I feel as though

I am back at square one. 

That the past 8 months and even before that is a joke.

It makes me want to sprint back to the distorted “freedom” that this world offers. 

I get exhausted asking for more of you and feeling nothing. 

I know you are talking to me right and left but I somehow still expect you to appear on a cloud. 

I know you love my childlike faith but God it’s so exhausting.

I want t crawl in a hole and sleep for a month.

Since I can’t do that I have come to the conclusion that I need

More of you. 

It’s hard when I have been praying for 8 months straight over the sick things I have seen…

and expecting you to show up in BIG ways and yet nothing big happens. 

You are a BIG God why are you not showing it in BIG ways?

I know all the churchy answers that “you are always there”

and “you’re just waiting for the right time” 

I get it but I will not settle. 

We expect you to do huge things Lord. 

I don’t want to cop out on huge prayers just because I have listened to the subtle whisper in my ear that you don’t hear my request.

My desires are pure.

That you will free the captives.

Physical captives.. 

Emotional captives…

Spiritual captives…

God I want so much of you that I drown in your love.

My flesh doesn’t want you at all.

But my spirit is seriously screaming and yearning for you.

I have prayed that you will send more to love on your babies.

That the pimps will come to you.

That Bangla Road will burn down.

These are all GOOD things. 

I don’t get why things that break your heart are still happening allll over.

What can i do. 

I am burnt out. 

You are so freakin powerful..

Why is nothing happening?

I’m sick of it Lord. 

I feel passionate about you for an hour.. then I’m over it.