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I Have a Sick Heart…

and the Lord revealed it to me today in Airport Security. 

 If you were to hear my prayer life recently… 
you’d laugh.
you’d legit think I’m a child. 
Half because I hardly ever do it… 
Half because if I do pray it’s freaking vague. 
You know,
the prayer someone blows up right before dinner… 
or the “God please forgive me for doing that.. again.” 
or the “Hey God I’m pissed it’s morning please bless me today.” 
As if I’m habitually talking to a wall. 
A wall that I don’t trust. 
A wall that doesn’t listen…
or freaking do anything about my requests. 
Weak. 
That’s what my prayers have been. 
I forget to remember how freaking powerful prayer is. 
It seems lame and unimportant
because we live in a day that everything is so fast. 
We want instant results. 
We want our food immediately. 
We want a text back in 30 seconds.
I mean I sure do. 
I apply that mindset to the Lord as well. 
If I wake up in a crummy mood and ask the Lord to
“fix my day”
and He doesn’t within my 15 minute drive to work… 
I think he’s unresponsive. 
How ridiculous is that?
Borderline embarrassing to even type that. 
Even if I sit down for a hot second and think about all the prayers he has answered… 
I feel like an idiot. 
I KNOW he is so freaking powerful. 
I have seen a man who had no use of his legs get up and freaking walk because of  a prayer. 
Or a little boy who wouldn’t smile for days…
GRIN and LAUGH for hours because he was wrapped in prayer. 
Or the girl who was entangled in prostitution… falling on her face and wanting freedom. 
The drug addicted father who decided to drop the bottle and lead his house in a Godly manner… 
raising up a generation of Christ fearing radicals. 
Not to even mention my sick past.
I had people falling on their faces for my freedom from my past… 
and I am indeed redeemed. 
Not only huge things like that… but can I be honest? 
I can’t think of one time in the past year that I genuinely looked for opportunity to talk about what Christ has done. 
Yeah i’ll talk about the Lord and i’ll “defend” Him in conversation… 
But I haven’t once sought out a situation in which I know someone needs the Lord. 
I hide behind the idea that if I’m in Africa I’d do that… 
but i’m just chillin in American working nine to five. 
And… the dumb façade that everyone knows him already. 
Um, sorry dude that’s not excuse. 
Many people know OF Him… few know His true freedom. 
America is fading quick and needs the freaking hope of a Savior. 
 Why am I not waking up in the mornings BEGGING the Lord to put people in my path? 
I can imagine that the Lord gets butterflies when His kids ask for that. 
I feel ridiculous for not praying that. 
That should be step one in following Christ. 
Because at the end of the day I shouldn’t care what people think… 
especially when I think about the urgency of the gospel. 
This all blew me up today when I was going through security at the airport 
and this little old lady in front of me was fumbling through security… 
She turns to me and explained she hasn’t ever flown before. 
I asked her where’s she headed
and she literally fell into my arms. 
Through tears she described how she got a call this morning that her 
son and three grandkids under the age of 10
died in a house fire last night 
and her daughter in law is in in a coma… not even knowing what has happened yet. 
My soul literally broke in half… 
In that moment I know it’s cliché but I felt the Lord tugging at my heart… 
Typically i’d give her a little pat on the back and say a prayer in my head 
but I couldn’t this time. 
On the race we’d stop and pray for people all the time… 
it’s just what missionaries do. 
I’ve been home for a year and on few occasions have I done that. 
I long to be someone who just falls on my knees at any time. 
Vocally calls out to Him constantly. 
That depends on prayer so much that I can’t even fathom straying from it. 
As soon as I put my shoes back on and turned around…
I hoped she’d be gone.
How sick and prideful is that?
Don’t fret….
She was there. 
I approached her again…
and she was shaking and pulled out her inhaler. 
Said she didn’t know where to go.
I grabbed her suitcase and ticket and started taking her to her gate. 
I figured if I took her to her gate and made sure she was okay I wouldn’t have to pray over her. 
Again, Ruth’s sick heart is obvious. 
We get to the gate and I turn but I just couldn’t walk away. 
I asked if I could pray and she just collapsed and started bawling again.
Thanking me…
saying she’s never needed it more than ever
and the Lord 
is the only thing that could sustain her and her family in this time. 
I hugged her tight and
started praying… trying to hold it together
but I started bawling too. 
Tears of both heartache and repentance. 
For her situation but also for my sick heart. 
My broken heart… 
trying to steer away from talking and representing the one who holds it all. 
The only who holds us when we don’t even realize it. 
The only one who will be there in the end. 
The only true comforter. 
In that moment I threw my hands up again. 
Lord teach me how to prayyyy. Gosh. 
Teach me what to pray for… 
how to be intentional and pray with an expectant heart. 
Not to be ashamed of You. 
Who do I think I am that I need to hide that I freaking serve You? 
How sick is this flesh of mine. 
As I walked off the lady thanked me over and over again. 
I didn’t even think til later that it’s no coincidence that my rental car was due 2 hours before my flight. 
As I headed to my gate I smiled bigger than I think I have in a long while. 
Heartbroken still for this lady… 
But comforted that the Lord is freaking working and so freaking real! 
Moving.
Comforting.
Teaching. 
Reminding me of how good he is. 
I’ve prayed more today than I have in forever. 
Specific prayers. 
Expecting prayers. 
I’m starting to ask for more situations like this. 
God put people in my path that need your love. 
That need your comfort and freaking Hope. 
Even those who are hard hearted… 
Brokenhearted. 
Heartless. 
Put me in those places at the right time… 
Even if I don’t know what to say… use me. 
It’s makes me borderline sick to my stomach that He STILL
uses me even though my flesh is so gross. 
It makes me want to curl in a ball and cry… 
but it also is a testimony to how gracious He is.
We don’t have to have our junk perfectly together. 
It’s impossible.
He knows how messed up we are…
and loves us through it. 
and uses us through it. 
He is so good. 
Because of this, I am changed. 
 I am willing. 
Thank you Lord for teaching me so much through your broken daughter, Della. 
Hold her tonight.