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I have recently wanted to give up
on this holy living thing.

 
It’s hard
as hell.

It’s confusing.

Sin is way more appetizing.
Living
in worldly “freedom” seems so much more appealing.

It seems that people living in this world have way more fun than those trying to live for Christ.

It’s not fair.
It pissed me off.
Why is it so
freaking hard and painful to live a holy life.

Right as I wanted to say screw it and
do my own thing

He met me right there.
 
 
I didn’t even do anything.

I just laid in my bed wide eyed and said…
freaking Lord I’m done trying to control my own life.
I’m tired of driving myself crazy trying to balance being “good” but also doing what my flesh wants to do.
 
 
In that moment… something changed deep down.
I find myself at a loss of words trying to describe it now.
Jesus has been relentlessly wooing me,
and it makes me fall weak at the knees.
 

I never thought I could feel this loved
on by someone I can’t see.
I never thought I would be THAT super
spiritual girl who can’t stop talking about Him.
I never thought I would really let go of my
past.
I never thought I would legit recognize His voice.
I never
thought I would enter a room and feel his presence.

I never
thought I would yearn to escape to spend time with him.
 

It has
only been a few days since I fully surrendered and I am officially
romanced.
I am his beloved…
He is mine.
How crazy do I
sound?
Pretty crazy.

But I’m okay with it.

He keeps implanting his secrets in my
heart.

A few nights ago he woke me up in the
middle of the night

and completely wrecked my heart for
things that wreck his.
 

This is strange for me…

I am typically the coffee junky who people watches and yes, loves people,
but not with genuine empathy. 

I now feel what others feel…
I assume it’s just a fraction of what he feels, but It’s all I can handle for now.
 

It’s scary having his heart though…

I am feeling things and longing for
things I never fathomed.
 
 
Last night I flipped my light off and I
heard him say, “I have something for you.”
Flipping my light
back on…

I grabbed my Bible and all I could see in
my head was Isaiah 43.

 

I’m not going to type it all out
because that’s unnecessary

but basically He dumped out His love all freakin over me.
Pouring out promises.
Saying how
proud he is of me.

Saying how much he loves me.
In that moment I realized how personal our relationship has become.

Not just a woohoo he loves everyone and he’s proud of everyone.
ME.
despite my junk and my messed up heart.
He is enthralled by my beauty and loves me with every ounce of himself.
 

Because of this, my relationship has changed from
the lame…

“I’m a Christian who loves Jesus and has held
little sick hungry kids


and traveled the world From ruthwilson.theworldrace.org


but still tampers with
the ways of this world


and is okay with being lukewarm”

to “God I don’t want to make a move
without you telling me to.”

 
He is changing me
from a carefree crazy
wannabe badass…
to a carefree crazy wannabe badass
who
is completely undone by His existence.

I want to be everything he wants me to
be.

 
As
soon as I decided I couldn’t do this Christian thing on my own anymore…
He
said finally.