Epiphanies.

The Lord works most in me when I am physically uncomfortable.

At the very beginning of the world race I apparently slept with a family of ants…cool Ruth. The next day I woke up with 67 ant bites all over my legs. I was in so much pain and pissed off that a lot of junk bubbled up in my heart. That week was the most spiritual growth I have seen in my life… He took me down in order to really look at the root of my existence. This past month in Nepal, our ministry for the month was climbing mountains. It was so incredible but halfway through the month I got super sick for about a week. When that finally seemed like it had blown over, I went back out with the team. Midway up the mountain I seriously felt as though I could not go on. My body had gotten so used to laying around healing that it freaked out when I pounded up the mountain. In that moment all I could do is seriously turn to the Lord. Right as I about gave in I heard Him say.. Don’t look up just put one foot in front of the other. If I looked up and saw the 3/4 of the mountain remaining.. i would have quit. I immediately applied that to every aspect of my life… not only on the mountain but the race! I want to throw in the towel just about every single day and get a one way ticket home. When I feel like that– I just hear him say.. one foot in front of the other. If I look up and see NINE months to come I get discouraged! He is good.. thats all I can ever say. He’s freakin Sovereign and does not leave His little kids out in the wilderness for too long.

yes, I have heard that my entire life but I have finally comprehended it. I have never realized how much words can seriously tear others down. It was second nature for me to just talk talk talk like it was my job. I am done with that. Hold me accountable friends! I have finally understood the idea of defilement. The Lord has called me out through my team many times in the past month because of my mouth… It isn’t fun in the moment but I have been made so much stronger but shutting my mouth and thinking before I speak. I feel like I have learned a lesson most people learn when they are kids. Better late than never, eh? <3 

Its not an equation. Its a relationship. Duh, I’ve heard that since I was two. But did I ever live it out? No. I have known so much in my head… a little bit had sunk down into my heart but He has smashed all that. He cleared me out of everything. Every preconceived idea I have had of Him. Every single characteristic I have thought I understood. He stripped me of all of it. I am now a empty canvas and He is splattering paint on it as we speak. He is showing himself to me in ways that I thought were never even possible… and He has promised me He is not going to stop. Ever. 

My idea of community for most of my life has been going to a bible study once a week… and sharing the pretty stuff. Opening up your heart to the things that kinda hurt but not going so deep that you have nothing else to give. Coming into the race thats exactly what I expected. The part I was blinded to is the idea that I won’t be alone for an entire year… ahhh! Someone is always right there!!! Back at home I would go to my “community” gathering and immediately go home and lick my wounds if need be. If I was really uncomfortable, I would stop going. World Race style community does not work like that. We wake up in the morning in the bed over from community. You then walk to the next room for breakfast with that community. You head off to ministry with this new friend community. All day long, community hears every word you speak. Community notices every time you roll your eyes. Community is not escaped. The amazing this is, Community is there in your hardest time. It is not just there to correct you.. but to cry with you. To laugh with you. To sit in silence with you. Where has this been my whole life. Community has been growing on me… It is definitely something that I desire for the rest of my life as much as it hurts sometimes.