Two years. I can’t believe it has been two years since Abby was killed in a car accident. For those of you who don’t know, Abby was my little sister, 16 months younger than me…a healthy, passionate, selfless 21 year old. I still miss her like it was yesterday. I vividly remember most of that terrible Saturday, sitting on the couch with my other sister Anna, and soon-to-be sister, Catherine. Everything was fine, my bubble was safe and warm. Then dad walked in with a look on his face that I will never forget. I was shocked, unable to believe what he was saying. It took a while for the tears to start coming. Because once I started crying, it became more real. We saw where she died, we saw her body, we celebrated her life, I promised Abby I would choose joy and to never give up, and then we put her body in the ground. Then it was back to work on Tuesday – just 10 days after my bubble was totally shattered.
I was and never will be the same, although I slowly began to rebuild the bubble and try to find normalcy, balance, anything that would help me deal with this. It was hard being away from my family (2 hours away), but also made it easier to busy myself again. I needed to learn to deal with things in the midst of my life I had built here in Springs for the past 5 years. It worked, until I hit the six month mark since Abby had gone. Something in me broke and I know I wasn’t putting a mask on or hiding anything, but I wasn’t even aware that I was hurting. It made me wonder: if I am not even aware of my own needs, how can I be aware of the needs of others? I felt a new urgency to cultivate my calling and truly felt like God was preparing me for big things.
I look back now at January 2010, the one year mark from Abby’s death. Dang was this a hard month. My first blog talks a little about how burnt out i had become. I look at my journal dated January 29, 2010: “I think I am giving more than I have allowed myself to receive…I am completely overwhelmed and exhausted…I’m using God as a crutch when I need to be refreshed …how can I learn to say ‘No’ when necessary and ‘yes’ even though I might be afraid?” I was finally beginning to get it: God was finally moving me from my bubble and into something extravagant. So I finished all my commitments for that semester and then stepped away from everything. I moved out of my house of three years and got rid of tons of “stuff.” This was a precious season of rest and focus that allowed me to make room for figuring out the next step. I’m now off on the World Race in July 2011 because my bubble was punctured just enough for me to see that God has a lot out there for me to taste, touch and do.
But I am not there yet. Today was much harder than I thought and I have already cried like 5 times…which is more than I’ve cried in the sum of the last 6 or 7 months. Why is this mark hurting a lot more than the others? I wanted to let it affect me today. I wanted to just FEEL the pain and not pretend like everything was OK. It seems more real than anything else…I seem more real. I think I have always been a “Christian masochist(enjoyment of hardship)” because I feel more connected to God, more worthy, more real when I am hurting and suffering. It is a scary thought! It gave me a glimpse into those who harm themselves because they want to feel something, anything to remember that they are real.
In Romans, Paul reminds us to rejoice in suffering because it produces perseverance, character, and ultimately HOPE. This is where God rescues us from the hopeless darkness. We do not feel pain to simply feel it and let is push us into utter darkness. But rather, we face the pain with Jesus by our side, so that we might develop perseverance to keep going and find hope all along the way! I have found so much hope in this two year journey and I am excited to face the future because I know that I have only tasted a sliver of the Hope of all Hope, my Prince of Peace, Jesus.
Abby’s favorite verse: “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” _Zephaniah 3:17
