I don’t even know what to title this blog. So much has happened over the past two weeks, over the past four days, over the past twelve hours…
I’m going home.
No, for once, I wasn’t in trouble or threatened with being sent home. This time, it was my choice. Sooo… I know all of you are wondering why and what the heck happened. Here’s the lowdown! (sidenote – why do we say lowdown? Like… where the heck did that come from?)
Where to start? The beginning is always the best place I suppose. Well, the beginning of it is that in Kenya, I learned that we could stay on the field until our funding ran out then get sent home. I had already developed a strong dislike for le Rule (which became my arch nemesis for much of the Race) and I had just found out my boyfriend Justin’s deployment date. Since I was personally providing about two thirds of my funding for this trip, I had the brilliant idea that I would fund myself through the end of China then fly home in Beijing after our debrief. No eastern Europe (at that point, I still didn’t particularly care for Europeans and I had no desire to visit any part of Europe because of previous experiences), spend a few thousand dollars less, still get to travel the world, AND I’d be back in time to see my boyfriend off. It was a brilliant plan! Or so I thought. My team leader immediately silenced me with, “Ruth Blum, shut up! You are NOT going home early!”
So I stopped voicing it. But I didn’t stop thinking it. Then I had all the fiascos of almost getting sent home which of course made me fight harder to stay. Ever the rebel and fighter 😛 But it wasn’t until I reached Cambodia and the final deadline for support approached that I had to make up my mind. I knew I wasn’t ready to go home yet and in order to stay, I had to be fully funded. So, I told the people back at headquarters that I’d go ahead and sponsor myself for the remaining amount. At that point, I gave up hope of going home early, buckled down, and decided to be joyful and live the last five months of the World Race with passion and vigor. That was all well and good until I reached Ukraine. Or perhaps it began with the end of China… I’m not sure exactly. All I know is that the whole time I was in Ukraine (and for the week and a half I’ve spent in Romania), all I’ve been thinking about is seeing Justin and being there to support him before he deploys to Afghanistan for nine months. My heart has not been present where I am. I am not content. I feel no peace. This was compounded by the fact that I felt my arch nemesisle Rule was keeping me from being fully effective during ministry. If you read some of my previous posts from Ukraine, you know.
Halfway through Ukraine, I told Justin that I wanted to go home and see him. He didn’t ask me to come home or tell me that I should or even encourage me to come see him; he told me that I was doing what God called me to do, that I was living my dream and should stay, especially cuz if I left, I might be bitter. He didn’t threaten our relationship or say or do anything unsupportive. One thing I’ve been struggling with the whole race (that I didn’t realize) was my priorities. Yeah, God is first. But Justin and traveling have typically been at odds and usually traveling wins out. Yeah, sure, I felt like God was calling me to go but I wasn’t very loving or honoring when I informed Justin about it. And all the way up until the end of China, I was still putting travel ahead of him instead of the other way around. The past nine and a half months, God’s been teaching and showing me how to have grace with others, be loving, supportive, encouraging, joyful, and patient; to be still and rest in Him, to find peace and contentment in the midst of chaos, to trust and rely solely on Him. But through all that learning, I still hadn’t learned the true meaning of sacrifice and selfless love. God finally slammed me with it. Finally, my desire wasn’t for me, for what I wanted to do, what I wanted to enjoy.
I know God had me come on the WR because I had a lot to learn that could only be learned through removing me so completely from my normal life and challenging me in ways that I never even pictured being challenged (or thought would be so utterly infuriating!). But I’ve questioned for the majority of the trip whether I’m supposed to be here for the entire 11 months. I have no desire to go to Moldova. I also have no desire to stay in Romania; I like this town but it’s already driving me restless. I’ve questioned whether I can be more effective here or at home or somewhere else in the world off the Race. Yes, I am having an effect here but there are also 21 other people here doing the same work, who are also having an effect, and that effect will not stop if I leave. But I also know that if I go home, I will have an impact on Justin, on my friends and family, and those I come into contact with. The questions is will I have more of an effect here or there?
Yes, I have prayed about it. I’ve been praying about it for the past month and a half. I went back and forth trying to decipher what God’s will was. I felt like He was holding both options up to me, telling me the choice was truly up to me and that He could and would bless me on whichever path I chose. (Doesn’t that make it even more difficult? Cuz you feel like there should be a right way and a wrong way, one that’s in line with His will and one that’s out and it just makes you wish for a big booming voice to tell you decisively which one to choose instead of dozens of whispers telling you either one) Even up until the wee hours of this morning, I was undecided. I wanted to go. But I wanted to stay. I tried requesting the emergency seven days that is offered by the organization but was denied (I’m not sure why; I think maybe it’s only for family members? I considered arguing, telling them Justin was my brother in Christ and part of my heavenly family but my teammate Megan just rolled her head at me and gave me one of her looks that said I was being ridiculous :P)
At two a.m., I finally reached the place where I stopped fighting and arguing and trying to reason and justify staying and going. I surrendered to God and told Him that fine, I would do whatever He wanted, even if it meant staying when I wanted to go. And in that moment, He said, “Yes, now you understand. Your heart is in the right place, has the right posture. Now, you have My blessing to go.” Oh the beautiful, heart-wrenching pain of giving up one’s self to God!
So now the decision is made. The flight is booked. I’m flying into Los Angeles tomorrow night to spend a week with Justin before he deploys. After that, it’s back home for month or two to work then hopefully Thailand for three months then moving to San Francisco for who knows how long (God does! Sorry… the annoying little kid in me lol)! I don’t know fully what God has in store for me but it’s going to be FREAKIN’ AWESOME!
Oh, Y Squad… I love this community, the family that I’m surrounded by. I never thought I’d say this, but it’s SO GOOD to be surrounded by women! I have learned with them, fought with them, struggled with them, had amazing, life-changing experiences with them… It’s crazy how much you can go through with someone and come out loving them even more. Thanks you, Rachel Rittman, Kelly Jarvis, Emily Rae Butterfield, Peggy Randall, Ashley Penny, Megan McCoomb, and Laura Williams – Ohhhh man, I love you, ladies! With all my heart <3 See? Thanks for putting up with me, being honest and pushing me, being there for me and loving me and even daring me to do stupid things just so you can laugh at my expense 😛 And my squadmates… man, I’m going to miss you all. The passion and community and openness, the honesty and acceptance and vulnerability, the humor and vast range of personalities and skills and interests, but above all, the love and the common bond of Jesus Christ – these things I will miss dearly. But it’s time to take what I’ve learned and share it, spread it, pass it on and help build a new community that shares these things. No matter where I am, God will continue to challenge and change, stretch and grow, affect and use me. It doesn’t matter if I’m in Romania or the United States; God will not cease working in, on, and through me.
I am a daughter of the King. I am a friend of God. I am chosen. Because of Him, I have power. I am strong. I am beautiful. I have been filled with passion, life, and vitality. I have a voice that I choose to use for the glory of God. I am bold. I am honest. I am a lady. I will proclaim truth in love so that the whole world will hear!
