My first thought when I crossed into
Cambodia was, “God, I don’t like Cambodia. Why the heck did you bring me
here?!� The dust and dirt and pollution, the persistent beggars in front of
trashy casinos, the mind-numbing spiritual darkness… I found it difficult to
keep a positive perspective. It didn’t help that I had spent three sweaty,
sticky hours alternately walking and standing in line while carrying my giant
backpack (remember the one that’s as big as me? Yeah, that one :P). Nine hours
later, my mood was considerably improved when we arrived at our accommodations
– a hotel with clean beds and hot showers. Hallelujah! And this was cheaper
than staying at the YWAM base? Hallelujah again! The following morning, my team
piled into tuk-tuks (super comfy seats and plenty of air flow!) and headed to
our ministry site.
A drab
concrete-and-barbed-wire fence surrounded the one-acre compound. Rusty wrought
iron gates held thick padlocks that were hurriedly unlocked so we could enter.
Yes, we would be safe in this place. But we would also be trapped. I wondered
fleetingly if these walls would become my new prison before pushing it aside
for more important questions, like how I would avoid the millions of mosquitoes
and when lunch would be.
The Aussie team
that was here for a few days of our stay was painting everything a sky blue
color, a color that our contact fondly refers to as Teen Challenge blue. It was
pretty (and my favorite color) and helped disguise the harshness of the walls.
Over this past week, I have lived inside the compound but also been able to
explore the surrounding area outside of it. God has apparently performed a
miraculous twist to my heart because for the first time on the Race, I’m not
longing to be outside of the walls, to be doing something. Yes, being outside
the walls presents freedom. I can do prayer walks, play volleyball in the
nearby village, get exercise, explore… But that freedom is in a worldly sense,
in that I have freedom to move around at will and am not bound in one place.
But inside that sky blue prison, I have found even greater freedom.
God has given my
heart freedom because I’m not always wanting to move around. I’m content to be
still, to just BE. What?! Did I really just write that? Wow… My heart has found
freedom in rest. Here in this compound, I have freedom to relax and be
comfortable; it doesn’t matter that I haven’t been able to shave, that I smell
of sweat and dirt because I haven’t been able to bathe, that my clothes aren’t
the cleanest or most flattering. My heart has found freedom in not being
subject to the opinions of the outside world or feeling pressured to look a
certain way. There is freedom in the kids who come for preschool, the health
and joy that comes from their laughter and games, from holding little Olliot,
who is so quiet and different from the other Khmer children, who teaches me to
be the calm in the midst of chaos. There is freedom in the peace and stillness,
in the sound of the birds chirping and the refreshing breezes. For me, the
greatest freedom has come in the form of the mango grove that grows just
outside our doors, in a corner of the compound. At least once every day, I
climb into their welcoming arms and swing about, playing on the supple
branches, reveling in the sound of the leaves laughing in the breeze. Once my
energy is expended, I find a comfortable spot in the green canopy to sit and
read a book, ponder questions of life, or just talk to God. I’ve come to
understand so many valuable lessons in those branches. Like how awesome it
would be to go home for a week or two to earn money between months but how if I
did that, I wouldn’t have learned the majority of these lessons. Like how God
has truly blessed me with the chance to be in Cambodia – I’m here to pray the
devil away because with every step of praise I take forward, he takes two steps
back. Like how much He blesses me in little ways every day – in giving me the
mango grove, in giving us rainwater for showers, in providing shade on the
sunny days, in surrounding me with Americans and Cambodians who truly love and
care about me. Like how He’s given me freedom in ways I never expected, in
places where I never knew I was trapped.
So I guess my
challenge to all of you is that the next time you feel imprisoned, take a step
back. What if that cage is really a new kind of freedom that God wants to give
you? Let God change your perspective and your heart so that you see things in a
whole new way! Maybe your sky blue prison isn’t going to be a prison after all.
Maybe it’s going to be your greatest place of freedom.
