This blog is
slightly overdue but I’m just going to quote Gandalf and put myself in for the
wizard – “A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. He is never early either, but
he always arrives precisely when he means to.” Therefore, this blog is
being written and posted precisely when I mean for it to. Well, more when God
means it to I guess since He’s ultimately in control but that gets into a whole
slew of things like predestination and other theological issues that are long,
arduous rabbit trails at this moment.
So this past month
was one of my favorites but also one of my most difficult. I loved the people
and the ministry. I made some amazing friends. I enjoyed some delicious food. I
traveled a lot and got to see incredible beauty. I experienced adventures and
excitement and a whole range of emotions. I also struggled with something that
I’ve been at war with for almost the entire Race – being content with just
being.
This month was
great because I did have more freedom in going places and we were relatively
busy with ministry so I was usually out of the apartment and off doing things.
But there were still quite a few times when I wanted to do more and wasn’t able
to. (Honestly, I’m a little scared to write this blog because of who will read
it back at AIM headquarters and what they will think/do about it) I know the
rule that you always need to be with a teammate is for safety but it is so
inhibiting! I hate it when I’m told to live passionately, to make the most of
every opportunity I’m given, and especially to finish out the final three
months of this trip with no regrets then immediately hobbled. When I want to go
for a run and stay physically fit and healthy and I’m not even allowed to do
that because a teammate won’t go with me, it’s debilitating. I hate that I
can’t even walk out the front door without having someone attached to me. I
feel like I could be so much more effective if I didn’t have to always have a
teammate with me. No, I don’t feel that. I KNOW that. If I was in many of these
places on my own, I could do so much more ministry, build so many more
relationships, do so much more and truly make the most of every opportunity! I
have felt stifled, hobbled, held down, trapped… take your pick of synonyms.
They all pretty much fit.
But what I have
come to realize is that this is just a period of my life and God is training
me, preparing me, testing me for something greater. I need to struggle with
this and learn to conquer it so that I’m comfortable with just being. Now that
I understand how to just be (thanks to that month of sickness in Cambodia), He
can fill me with a passion to do everything for Him. Now that I know how to
rest in Him, He can fill me with determination not to settle for just good but
instead to strive for great. Because I understand what it is to be filled in
peace and silence by Him, I am now able to work in the midst of chaos and
noise. Because He taught me how to BE, He can now teach me the proper way to
DO. Even though I don’t like the process of getting there, it’s something I
needed to go through, and still need to go through (ah, the joys of the
refining fire… those are some searing flames!) Pray that I’ll keep learning and
growing, loving and having grace, and, as Paul says, to be content in every
situation.
