What am I being
tested on this month? (As if the title didn’t give it away… :P) Whether or not
I truly have a servant’s heart or not. I have to admit, it’s looking more and
more like I don’t. Which is quite unfortunate, considering most people believe
it’s one of my spiritual gifts. The good news is that now I’m determining this
and figuring out that it is a problem, I can take steps to fix it and become
truly servant-hearted.
This heart issue
has been becoming more and more evident to me over the past month and a half,
especially these past two weeks. What I discovered is that I do have a heart to
serve. However, it only exists if it’s on my own terms. For example, if I offer
to help wash dishes or give a massage or clean up without being asked that is
on my own terms. It’s something I want to do. But if other people keep
repeatedly asking me to do things and I don’t particularly want to do them, or
I feel like I’m expected to do them, then I have a bad attitude about it and my
hunger to serve quite disappears. And this month, I have been asked to do
things that I don’t want to do, things that seemingly bring no reward and
receive little appreciation and certainly no reciprocation, things that cause
me to grumble under my breath and simmer in a moody temper. I’m going to share
with you a few verses that God virtually slapped me in the face with and made
me stop and think.
And let us not grow weary of doing
good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have
opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the
household of faith. – Galatians 6:9-10
This is the first on that came to mind
even before I started my time here in Malaysia. Pretty self-explanatory. It’s
difficult for me, though, because I have more compassion and understanding for
non-believers. I have a tendency to hold Christians to a higher standard and
set expectations for them and I shouldn’t do that. Secondly, I am more generous
towards non-believers in many aspects. These words continually cause me to stop
and ponder my attitude and my answer before I respond with a sharp, “NO!� to a
request. Why do I get so annoyed when anyone asks for a taste of my drink, for
a piece of my coveted fruit, or repeatedly for help with various things? That
is something I’m still working on, but I know part of it is my lack of a
servant’s heart.
Greater love has
no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. – John 15:13
Ok, typically when I think of this verse, I think of dying for someone. Well,
I’m willing and ready to lay down my life if it means dying for someone. It’s
the living for them that’s so challenging! I have a difficult time laying down
my preferences and expectations, my wants and sometimes even needs, for others.
It’s a constant struggle for me to die to myself so that I can help others live
better. No, I’m far from good at it. But I’m starting to realize how I need to
do it more and with that realization, I’m making more of an effort. One great
example is this month, we’re volunteering at a home for the blind. On the first
day there, three of us were given the simple but dirty and tedious task of
washing slatted glass windows on several of the buildings. I was in a great
mood when I started but after I got tired of it, I got crabby. Not good. It was
so drastic, one of my teammates even asked if I was ok! I vowed that I would
have a better attitude after that. The following day when we put together
folders, I got out my iPod and listened to podcasts from iTunes U and music and
had a lovely time with the drudgery.
What causes
quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions
are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and
cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not
ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your
passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world
is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes
himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the
Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that He has made to dwell
in us�? But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but
gives grace to the humble.� Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the
devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to
you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you
double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to
mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will
exalt you. Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks
against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges
the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge.
There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy.
But who are you to judge your neighbor? – James 4:1-12
This whole passage stands
out and convicts me over how I’ve been behaving towards others. I want certain
things so I’ll act or do or say things that help me get them, regardless of how
it affects others. I ask God for things because I have selfish reasons for
wanting them. I don’t want to be an enemy of God! How cool is it that God cares
enough about us to be jealous for us, for our love and affection and attention?
The final verses are the hardest for me to swallow. How many of you find it
hard to only speak kind things about people, to speak no evil against another
person? Come on, I’m not the only one; I know that for a fact! But I’m going to
be the first to admit that it’s something I’ve struggled with a lot since
reaching Malaysia. I try to justify and disguise it as venting and say that I
need to talk about it to let it go but do I really need to share that with
another person? God understands better than anyone and, in the end, it hinders
rather than helps the situation when it is shared with other people. It’s hard,
so very hard to adjust to this new lifestyle of not defiling other people by
speaking badly of them but it’s worth it. It’s helping me to view them in a new
way. It’s helping me to view them as created in the image of God.
I guess what I just
want to get across is that I’m discovering and learning what it means to have
the true heart of a servant. It means loving unconditionally. It means giving
up your rights and preferences in the small things, in daily life. It means
letting someone else have the last piece of pizza and letting your brother play
with the toy that you were going for. It’s not being judgmental over things
that people say or do. It’s going above and beyond what is asked and expected
of you to show the other person that they are important. It’s doing unto others
as you would do unto Christ.
And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these
My brothers, you did it to Me.’ – Matthew 25:40
