facebook status updates, Sunday was our 1st anniversary. It has
officially been 1 year since our wedding day! WE MADE IT! We survived
our first year!
‘survive it’, we really enjoyed it! I was a little
concerned when several friends told me how difficult the first year of
marriage was for them. I know some of our mentors and our marriage
counselors were concerned because of the fact that we are both highly
emotional first-borns with very strong personalities.
One
of them even wrote a blog about it! Then of course there’s the fact that
almost all of our relationship before marriage was long distance: we’d
only been around each other in person for 11 days when we started our
relationship, we courted long distance for months, we had only been
around each other in person for about a month when we got engaged, and
we were married only 4 months later. We got plenty of raised eyebrows
and questions from others because of our decision to move so quickly,
and I’m sure we had some questions in our own minds about our
‘compatibility’. But, what can I say? We had a word from God that we
were supposed to be together, and I’m so glad we listened to
HIM!
Yesterday we celebrated the past year of wonderful memories
together. Now, don’t get me wrong… we have had our share of
fights…but as the months passed we argued less and less, and laughed
more and more. Our home is a relatively peaceful one (shocking, I know
with us two crazies in it! 😉 and for that I’m so thankful. This year
we have cried together, laughed together, and learned a LOT together.
We may be emotional, stubborn, and crazy at times, but we are learning
to trust each other. I have loved sharing the past 365 days with my
husband. He is my best friend, lover, partner, and
teammate!
As our anniversary drew near we’ve been reflecting on the
past year and all the ways God set us up for success. We are still
newlyweds, so there are PLENTY of couples out there with so much more
wisdom than us! But for those of you who are engaged, in a serious
relationship, or newly married, we thought we’d share a little bit of
advice that has really helped us in Year #1! Check out our top 9 words
of wisdom below 🙂
#1 – You MUST have a word from
God. This may sound crazy to some of you, but this is the
BIGGEST piece of advice I give to couples considering marriage. You
have to KNOW that this is the person God has for you. Pray about it,
and ask Him to bring you peace. That is THE most important thing to
know before you get married. When wedding planning stress kicks in, or
people question your relationship, or you have that first big fight, it
won’t matter whether or not you were compatible, whether or not you are
attracted to each other, or whether or not you get along with each
others friends & family. What will get you through the bad days
is knowing this is the man or woman that God has for you. His word is
the most important thing there is!
#2 – Remember that the
purpose of marriage is HOLINESS, not just HAPPINESS.
Marriage is supposed to teach us more about God’s love for
us, His Bride. It is also supposed to take us through the process of
sanctification; making us more like Him. Keep that in mind when you are
choosing a spouse. It will not be perfect all the time, and your spouse
will not be able to make you happy all the time (no matter how perfect
they seem now!) Maybe the person God has for you is not the one that
looks great ‘on paper’, or the one that is ‘everything you always
wanted’. Maybe it’s the man or woman who challenges you, teaches you,
and yes, even frustrates you! God uses our spouse to refine us. Think
of it like sandpaper – He will use us to scrub away the parts that
don’t look like Him. I had doubts about Rusty at times because he
didn’t have every single attribute I planned on. I dreamed of marrying
a musician, after all, music is my passion! Sometimes I wondered if we
were ‘compatible’ enough. What I didn’t realize is, Rusty is EVERYTHING
I’ve ever NEEDED. He loves me, cares for me, and truly challenges me.
We make a great team because we complement each other well. God is
using my husband to teach me so much, and for that I’m incredibly
grateful! I am madly in love with him! I know that when all is said and
done, our marriage will be one that glorifies God and we will be more
like Him because of it.
#3 – Find a couple to mentor you. I cannot
explain just how EXTREMELY IMPORTANT this is! When we got engaged,
Michael
& Kathy Hindes offered to be a ‘resource’ to us. They
opened their lives and their hearts to us. They walked us through
pre-marital counseling, and have met with us on a regular basis since
we got married. They have shared their experiences with us – both good
and bad – so that we could learn from their life and marriage. They
have also been an ‘appeal’ process – a place we could go to talk things
out if we couldn’t agree on something.
When they
offered all this to us, I thought it was very sweet. I had no idea what
a HUGE gift they were giving us! I truly believe that Michael &
Kathy are a big reason why we are doing so well right now. Their
mentoring and availability have helped our marriage
flourish!
I believe EVERY married couple should have
someone like this in their life – especially at the beginning of their
marriage. When selecting this couple, you should look for these
qualities:
- They should love the Lord and know how to
hear His voice. - They should be older than you
(wisdom comes with age and experience!) - They should
be married longer than you (the longer the
better!) - They should be unbiased – they need to be
a safe place for you both to talk. - They should LOVE
you both and want you to succeed individually and in your
marriage. - They should be people you TRUST – you
have to trust them if you are going to listen to their advice and their
rebukes. - They should care more about your CHARACTER
than your comfort. - They should have qualities you
admire and respect when it comes to how they treat one another and how
they treat their children. - They should be available
– we met with Michael and Kathy about once a month, and anytime we
needed to talk about something specific (ie if we were struggling with
something).
When you find
that couple, remember to be OPEN and HONEST with them. It won’t help
your relationship if you hold everything in or pretend you aren’t
having problems. We have talked with Michael and Kathy about anything
significant that we’ve ever fought about. (even if it seemed stupid at
the time!) Because of that, there have been a lot fewer issues we’ve
fought about more than once. We talk it out, are usually able to see
each others’ side (because we have them as mediators) and they tell us
if we were in the wrong (ie if one of us wasn’t listening, was being
stubborn, had unreal expectations, etc.) This has helped us prevent big
issues or resentment building, which is SO
important!
#4
– Move away. I know this is not a possibility for everyone
(and might not always be the best idea for every couple), but if it is
– GO FOR IT! – even if it just means moving an hour or two away. It is
difficult to mesh two separate lives together. Add in family and
friends and it becomes even more difficult! I know couples personally
who have struggled with this. It was a huge blessing that we decided to
move to Michigan for our first year of marriage. Though it was hard, it
was also good. We began OUR life together here. We went through
homesickness together. We made all the decisions about our house,
schedules, church, etc together. When we had problems, our friends and
family were far away, so we weren’t tempted to run to them. We learned
how to ‘leave’ our families and ‘cleave’ to one another. Being here
gave us the opportunity to make a life that’s all our own, instead of
trying to ‘fit’ into a life that one of us was already living. I really
believe it was the best start for us, and that we’ve grown closer
through the process!
#5 – Try to out-serve each other. This is a word
of advice we got from a friend. (We had a basket at our wedding where
people could drop in their ‘marriage advice’ for us.) Anytime I start
to feel grumpy about something – picking up Rusty’s shoes (or the
football he leaves all over the house), washing dishes for him, etc – I
have thought of this advice. I’m reminded that I am serving him because
I love him, and that he serves me a whole lot too! It helps me bite my
tongue and serve more cheerfully, instead of getting angry or
resentful.
#6
– Be quick to apologize. Rusty is GREAT about this, and I
am so, SO thankful for that quality! It’s hard to humble yourself and
admit you are wrong, but a sincere apology is one of the best ‘healing
balms’ to a hurting heart. Rusty tries really hard to apologize ASAP if
he has said or done something to hurt my feelings. I wasn’t very good
at it at first, but he set a great example that I am trying to follow!
It’s easy to forgive someone who is sincerely sorry. The sooner you
apologize, the less hurt and bitterness take root!
#7
– Try to have weekly ‘date nights’. This is a habit I
learned from my Aunt Tammy & Uncle Grant (who have an AWESOME
marriage!) Even when they are super busy (like when he went back to
college at 40 & she took a job to support him, or when he
commutes crazy distances to 2 jobs), they still make time once a week
for a date night. Rusty and I have tried to do the same thing this year
(though sometimes it’s just frozen pizza & renting a movie 😉
Even though we work from home and are around each other all day, we’ve
realized that just because you are WITH each other, doesn’t mean you’re
spending QUALITY TIME together! I think this will be even more
important once we have kids, so I’m glad we’re getting into the habit
now!
#8 –
Learn each other’s Love Language. This is a BIG one. If
you’ve never heard of ‘love languages’ before, I would advise you to
take this quiz
and read this
book! The 5 love languages are: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time,
receiving gifts, and acts of service. (read more here)
Figuring out each other’s love language has been SO important to how we
relate to each other. For example, one of my big love languages is
GIFTS. I love to give meaningful gifts, and I love to receive them.
Unfortunately, that love language doesn’t even register on Rusty’s
radar! He just doesn’t function that way! Similarly, Rusty’s major love
language is ACTS of SERVICE, which is the one I am the WORST at. We had
to learn each other’s love language, and we have to really put forth
effort to speak it. Rusty tries really hard to buy me little gifts
(like flowers) when he would rather just wash my car. I really want to
buy Rusty gifts, but he feels MUCH more loved if I do the dishes
instead. You have to learn to communicate your love in the right
language… otherwise years will pass with one of you speaking Chinese
and the other Russian; neither understanding each other at
all!
#9 –
Remember to affirm each other. Whether ‘words of
affirmation’ are your love language or not, it is important to affirm
your spouse. Every night I try to tell Rusty specific things I love
about him or am thankful for (even if he’s already half asleep! haha!)
He has admitted recently that this is something he’s working on; he
thinks great
things about me all the time, but often forgets to say them. Proverbs
16:24 says, “Pleasant words are
a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
Remember to encourage and affirm each other often… and say “I love
you” every night!
readers who’ve been married longer
(and have MUCH more wisdom
to share) we’d love to have your advice added in a
comment!
Maybe when we’ve been married longer, we can come up with
10 tips instead of just 9, haha!
