How do I even begin to express what 7 years of silent pain looks like or feels like? How do I even bring you into my story? I left this part out of my testimony because it is so hard and I don’t know how to deal with it. But during these few days of debrief, God has brought it up.
Restfulness. I woke up one day, and my heart was heavy. Something BIG was going to happen. And I felt like this month is going to be hard for me, but I had no idea as to why. I was restless. I thought it had something to do with leading worship the following day or what not. Little did I know that Papa had some BIG HUGE plans.
Worship. It all started during worship. The night that I wasn’t leading. I saw 3 visions. One vision was of my future (and for now I will keep that to myself) the second one was about me and Papa hanging out in a field of flowers (that’s how He talks to me), where we did flower crowns, we skipped, we played guitar, it was a beautiful time of daughter/daddy time. The next vision was of a little girl about 7 years old with curly red hair. She was playing with Jesus in the field of flowers. She was beautiful. And then I heard these words that shook me to the core, " Grieve her". How do I do that? Its been so long. I've shut that part of me for 7 years. How do I grieve my baby? My daughter?
My daughter. A freshman in college living the life of clubbing and partying. And I dated my first ever boyfriend. It was a great time or so I thought and then just shy of my 20th birthday, one word forever altered my life: Pregnant! I was going to have a baby, to become a mom. What a scary feeling. I wasn’t ready. But I knew one thing, that I was willing yo sacrifice everything for my little one. And as I was making plans of how I was going to keep going to college and take care of a baby, God had other plans.
Another word altered my life: Miscarriage! How did this happen? Why did this happen? The pain of losing a child is unbearable and after it happened, I didn’t really process any of it. I just shut down. Shut the memories, the pain down. I didn’t grieve. It was to painful to. So I shut down. But I wasn’t getting any healing from it and Papa knew I have to deal with it so He brought it up again. This month. This week.
So, 7 years worth of grief exploded like a raging volcano. I didn’t know how to make it stop or how to make it start. All I knew, all I felt was intense unbearable pain so much that my whole body hurts. And when I cry, I have to hold myself because its so unbearable. Why now Papa? Why now? It hurts to much. But Papa knew what He was doing.
Oct. 6. 2014. [Journal entry]
I can see the light at the end of this pain tunnel. Last night was hard. Ive never ever cried like that and I hope I never have to again. For the first time, I grieved my daughters death and I let go of that pain. The leaders did something cool in separating the guys from the girls. The girls were all together and we had a hot seat where anyone could go up there and speak/confess. Several ladies went up and it was a powerful time of the Spirit working. I felt the Spirit puling me up. So reluctantly I went to the hot seat. I sat down and the tears came, the pain came and through the tears I told these women about my precious baby, my Melody. The couch said that I need to let go and to do what the Spirit tells me to do about letting the pain go. I heard the gentle whisper, " Let it go," and I hugged myself as sounds that came out of my mouth came forth. I was in labor. I was giving birth. It was so painful but once I did that, that unbearable pain was gone. And I saw another vision. My Melody came up to me and said, "No more tears Mommy." as she gently wiped them away. She runs to where Jesus was, takes His hand and skips away but not before turning back and waving to me.
My baby is safe. My baby is with Papa. She's in the best hands ever. And even though the pain still lingers, its going to be ok.
