Doubt. Distrust. Helplessness. Fear. Pain. This is what awaited me when I came to Bangalore, India. These are my demons that have escaped the prison cell. There are others, but they haven't escaped yet.
Doubt. What am I doing here? What can I do? Why did you call me here? These are thoughts that I deal with day in and day out. How can I impact the Kingdom when I'm a broken mess.
Distrust. One word that defines me. I distrust people. How did I get like this? Its been a long road that led me here. I used to be vulnerable and open and I used to trust people. But as time went on I closed that part of myself off to people. I showed people one side of me. The brave, independent women that doesn’t need help from anyone. When people asked me how I was doing, I'd answer with two words, " I'm fine" That usually kept people from getting to close.
But then enter the World Race, where we are put into communities where we are to open up and be vulnerable and trust. Did I just say TRUST? Hmmm…no thank you. How can I trust a group of people that I just met with my inner most pain and fears, so bruised from the pain? I'm not good at communicating when something is bothering me or when my feelings get hurt, because I don’t know how. But I must be honest. I did open up a little bit. Started speaking up more but my feelings got hurt and now I am shutting done again. This is why I don’t open up. I don’t to pain well.
My heart…it hurts Abba. It hurts.
Helplessness. I hate that feeling. That I cant fix something, that I cant overcome whatever it is that is bothering me. But that is the place that I am at. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to share what is bothering me or what is going on inside my heart.
Fear. It clings to me and eats away at me the way cancer eats away at cells. Fear makes me run from my pain, from myself. Oh Abba!! I am soo scared. Of rejection. Of being alone. Of not being good enough. You called me here for a reason and I answered that call. But now I am so scared that my inner demons will win and that I will have nothing left. All the pieces of my shatters heart that I have picked up and glued together, I feel like they will burst all over and I just….cant…go….through…that…again.
Pain. We became friends at a very young age. She was a constant in a sea of always changing never constant. She became just a part of me that I lost track of her but sometimes she came with a vengeance. She's here now. And she brought with her an arsenal of weapons to throw into my heart.
My choice? I can do what ive always done and is comfortable for me–TO RUN!!! To run away from my team, from the World Race, from all the possibilities that Abba wants to show me.
Or I can choose to dig deeper. To run toward the pain. To get out of my comfort zone. To face my fears. To take off my mask of "I can do it all myself" and to become vulnerable with my team and with you Abba. It wont be easy. But I am a diamond in the rough, and after all the pruning, and the sculpting, my inner diamond will come out and shine so bright that all will see the love of the Father.
So Abba,
Here I am running towards everything that scares me. You are the potter and I am the clay. Make me how you want. But please know that I will need your strength to go through with it. Please never leave my side.
