Am I supposed to be here?

The past week hasn’t been easy. On top of it being all squad month, we are working with a new ministry host and we are her very first WR squad. Those things are not issues, they’re just things that can be worked through. I started getting frustrated because I can’t figure out my purpose here. We are working in the jungle this month, working in various areas. It’s part of the Mayan biosphere and it’s beautiful. I love being here. I love the work we’re doing and I want to be here. However since the deadline is approaching, I have this fear that I will not meet it. I fear that I won’t be able to raise the $1,614 that I need to make the deadline let alone the $5,574 to be fully funded.

 

I can’t shake the feeling and I start doubting everything. I ask myself why am I here? Did God call me to the World Race? Am I even needed? Why would He call and not provide? People keep telling me to trust in God, that He will provide, that He will take care of it. They tell me I am going to pray for you… Honestly, I am tired of hearing that. If I am being honest, I am simply just done. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I can’t smile another smile and say “He’s got it”. I don’t believe that He does. I can’t trust that, I want to but I just CANNOT. 

 

I am angry, I am angry at God. I am angry at myself for not being able to trust that He cares enough to provide. I think this is actually the first time I’ve let myself feel those things. I don’t know where I belong, I don’t know if I am supposed to be here, I don’t know anything, and those thoughts scare me.