Last week, I was sitting in the prayer room of our home, avoiding the mice (that’s a story for another time), journaling and worshipping with some of my favorite girls and the Lord put this on my heart. I think it was more for me than it is for you, but here’s another glimpse into my heart and how thankful I am for the road He brought me on.
Throughout my life, I can look back on different events, different milestones that changed the direction of my future. Well, the direction I thought my future was heading, that is. So many times, in those moments, in the harder ones like breaking up with a boyfriend or quitting my job – it was so easy in the moment to think about what I was losing, what I could later be lacking.
And unfortunately, those areas of lacking are probably where most of my thoughts and energy were consumed. It was easy to think about the salary I was giving up or the career opportunities I could be missing out on later. It was easy to have the mindset, if I break up with him, what if I never get married. It was so easy to look at things I was losing, things I was choosing to leave behind and wonder what if. It was easy in those moments to see what I wouldn’t have moving forward.
But what I didn’t see, the big neon signs that I wasn’t reading, were the ones about all the things I was gaining.
All of those hard moments, all of the pain, all those times I thought were putting me in a state of lacking were in fact giving me something more.
If I had married either of those boys, I wouldn’t have been led here. I would have never gone on the world race. I would have never lived as my authentic true self.
If I had suffered through my job, just to have a feeling of safety and security, of worth, of accomplishment, I wouldn’t be here. I would have nice things maybe, but I would have been empty inside. I would be living in the middle of nowhere with a job that left me unsatisfied rather than living here in the heart of Penang, Malaysia.
If I had continued comparing myself to my peers and the jobs they were pursuing, the lives they were living, I would have been seeking after the dreams of others. I would have been living a life of comparison which in my experience always leads to disappointment.
I wouldn’t have learned what I want in life, I would have only known what other people think I should want. I would have been living entirely out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of disappointing others, fear of failure.
All of the turning points in my life, the moments that I didn’t understand at the time, brought me right here. To Malaysia, sitting in the prayer room surrounded by incredible daughters of the King, with no doubt in my mind that I am exactly where God wants me to be.
I look back on so many decisions in my life and realize now that I never asked God what His plans were for me. I never asked Him if He wanted me to study engineering, or accept that certain job offer. I never asked him what my future held.
And honestly, I can’t really tell you why I didn’t think to ask those questions. Sure, it’s something I know now I should have done, something that I see so clearly. But at the time, I was caught up in the hustle of life. In figuring things out, I forgot to consult the person who laid it all before me.
But then, while I’m disappointed in myself for not seeking His guidance the way He probably wanted, He reminds me of grace. Grace for myself is one of the hardest things for me to give. And it’s something I continue to work on.
Just yesterday, I was talking to my alumni squad leader Heather, asking for advice. And as always, she said some really great things:
Here’s the thing: the Lord isn’t calling you to walk perfectly. He’s asking you to walk faithfully and honorably and there’s such grace for all the pieces. There may be no possible way to prepare for this. There might be hurt no matter what. But there’s grace.
What she said about that one situation was so applicable to my life as a whole. Because failure is not something I enjoy (does anyone?) and inflicting pain on other people is something I do everything possible in my power to avoid. Even when it means sacrificing my own heart or my own well being to do so. Also something I’m working on, props to Heather.
She reminded me that I might fail and I might not walk everything out perfectly, but there’s grace for that.
Not just for everyone else, but for me too.
Even when I didn’t ask what His plans were in my life, He loved me all the same. All of my decisions may have been on my own accord, but He makes all things good. And He did just that. He brought me here, to this exact place, to this exact moment.
The world race is the best and hardest thing I’ve ever done. (You are probably getting tired of hearing me say that, but it’s just so dang true).
And right now, in this season, I couldn’t be more thankful for those moments, those turning points in my life.
I couldn’t be more thankful for His love, His grace, His redemption, and His forgiveness. I couldn’t be more thankful for the gifts He keeps on giving.
Like the gift of my squad mates. The ones who will always understand a part of my heart because they were there with me, walking alongside me through it all. The ones that will be forever friends.
So from now on, in the future hard moments (because life is full of hard moments) I want to remember the things I have, the things I’m gaining, without focusing on the things I’m lacking.
Take going home for instance. It’s so easy to look at the end of the race and have mixed emotions. Like the fact that I haven’t woken up to my own room in eight months and I don’t think I’ve eaten a single meal alone. I don’t even know if I remember what alone time feels like.
But I want to shift my perspective. Instead of looking at the future and seeing all the things I won’t have, I want to see the things I’m gaining. I want to focus on the gifts that the Lord is promising in this next season. I want to forever rejoice with my Father for the things I have because He is good and He gives good gifts to His children.
Take my heart, for I want yours. Take my will, conform it to yours.
