“I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. To be human is to be in vulnerability” -Brene Brown
When I sat down at our vulnerability night at debrief, I knew it would be a night that would change the trajectory of my life.
We talked about what it meant to be vunerable, what shame does to us and the freedom that comes from exposing that shame.
One by one, I watched as my squadmates got up and shared shame what they’ve been battling, with the entire group. My first reaction, was to run. In fact, by the end of the night, I noticed that I had inched closer and close to the door. My thoughts were at full speed. “These people are sharing their deepest, darkest, secrets. I’m trapped in a room full of crazy people. Get me out of here.”
When the initial panic had settled, my second reaction was to listen. I listened as each person got up and laid it all down before the Lord. Some people even ended up going twice and the freedom they were receiving glowed from within.
My third reaction was to take everyone else’s hurt as my personal problem. For example : This person doesn’t feel like they have any friends, that is my fault, I didn’t seek them out enough. OR, this person struggles with body image, I didn’t compliment them enough. Satan was so deeply in my thoughts by this point that I wanted to get up and share but couldn’t because I was so weighed down by everyone else’s shame. And naturally, I found even more shame in that.
During our worship after our session, I prayed over my squadmates minds and spirit against attack for their newly found freedom.
Then, this verse came to my mind and I repeated it until I believed it.
“We take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.”
2 Corinthians 10:5
I prayed that I would be able to experience the same freedom as all of my friends were. I wanted to share my shame.
Not long after, my teammates came up to me and we talked about pressing deeper with each other. The conversation led to them asking me to be vulnerable with them for the
FIRST time.
“Are you okay? Don’t just tell us you’re okay, because you don’t look like it and we want to know what’s bothering you.”
Finally at 1 am, I was able to share my struggles with my teammates. I told them bout the shame I felt about being here as a missionary when so many people I love back home don’t know Jesus. I shared my shame in not always being a good example for my friends and family. I shared my shame in pulling back from ministry because of all of those feelings. And of course, my shame in not being able to get up and share in front of everyone.
My team encouraged me, and reminded me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. They told me the Lord will reward my work here and I am being an example of Christ by being here, and being present. They said to trust He will work it all out.
That was the day I took baby steps toward vulnerability and received an immeasurable amount of grace and freedom.
I will take these things and apply them to my daily life, not only on the race but at home. I will no longer be a surface level friend, daughter, or sister. I will be intentional and raw with those around me and encourage them to do the same, because there is nothing else in this world like it.
Thank you for your praying for me and my journey. Last month in Costa Rica was one of much growth. This month we are in Granada, Nicaragua where we are working with many different ministries in the city including nursing homes, building a school, bible studies, etc. We are also traveling back and forth to a near by island called Zapatera where our squad is building a church. We have a jam-packed , exciting schedule! The Lord is moving here in Nicaragua. I am beyond grateful for my support in the US, it is extremely humbling.
Peace & Blessings
Roni
