Not once on this race have I felt that I might be able to guess what would happen next. Somehow in the U.S.A. we can plan and make what we need to happen, happen.
I have gone so much of this race just having the thought of going home in the forefront of my mind. Just waiting for when the time would come to have a date of when we would be arriving in the U.S, dreaming of seeing my family and friends, and just the known once again. Being home has been so far away for most of the race, but it’s approaching.
(Romania)
And talks of buying tickets to go back home have begun. This should be exciting and a relief, but it is not for me.
I cannot figure out why I’m not comfortable or as excited as I had sworn I would be.
And as I looked over notes from month #1 at our launch in the Dominican Republic, I saw these notes from Michael Hindes (Director of the World Race). He said that the transition process brings brokenness. And with brokenness comes the feeling of being disenfranchised. Well that’s exactly what I feel- I don’t know where I fit in anymore. It’s not in Romania or in any of the other countries I have visited, but I don’t feel like I fit in America anymore. Yes I am a citizen there, but it’s not my home anymore.
(the street we live on with the gypsy pastor-Romania)
I don’t understand this at all, I’m writing this in a state of confusion myself. But I need to be honest and express my feelings- I don’t fit in America or in any other country in the world. I don’t know where that leaves me exactly. All I know is that I miss my family and friends like crazy- but I’m scared to go back to the States- I don’t feel that it is my home anymore and yet I don’t even understand how that can be possible.
Michael Hindes said at the launch that when you feel disenfranchised it is no longer the world that matters, it is the kingdom that matters and when the kingdom is all that matters to you- you won’t fit in.
So I guess that’s where I am left- depending on God in yet another new way and feeling totally and completely out of control.
This world is not my home- I will never be comfortable on this earth. And it is not the country I am in, the situations around me, or even the people that will affect this.
“There is no security in what God is doing; there is only security in who God is.”
Graham Cooke
