I’m too Fat to go on the World Race

 My team and I were sitting around the table, eating dinner playing, “the question game”. How the game is played is we go around in a circle and everyone gets to ask a question. A game that usually ends up being a light hearted, fun game, but it turned into one of the most freeing nights of my life. 

 

Stacie, a girl on my team, asked us what our biggest fear coming on the race is and how we are doing with it up to this point. 

 

Let’s back it up a bit. I’ve always struggled with my weight. I  remember being in 4th grade and wanting to lose my weight so bad. I remember, every summer it was my goal to work hard over the break and come back to school looking “good.” I wanted people to notice and see me as beautiful.

 

I tried but never succeeded. This was a battle I fought over and over again, year after year and gym pass after gym pass. I had personal trainers, I did diet plans. You name it, I’ve done it. Whenever I lost it,  it always came back on. I don’t know why I could never succeed at weight loss.  It’s frustrating and it hurts when people say, “why can’t she just lose the weight?” But it becomes more painful and frustrating being the one who has to lose it and not being able to figure out why I cant. Yes there was always a discipline and willingness to do it… But there was something more. 

 

Last year, I lost 60+ pounds. I felt amazing. I was running for 30 minutes straight, preparing for a 5k. I was getting compliments that made me feel good about myself. I was getting attention from people and they were always asking how I did it. It felt good, but it was all so temporary. Even though I lost it, I wasn’t satisfied the way I thought I would be. And It still wasn’t enough for me to keep the weight off. Eventually I put it back on. 

 

Why God? Why can’t I do it. I love you, I serve you… Can you please help me overcome this? I don’t want to be single for the rest of my life, but who would ever want me like this? These questions were always going through my head. 

 

My biggest fear coming on the race was my size. I had so much of a fear it almost stopped me from coming on the World Race. What would people think? Would I be able to do everything  that was asked of me? I’m too fat to go on the World race?

The biggest lie I believed over and over again. 

 

I wasn’t gonna tell my team this when we were playing the question game because I don’t like to talk about my weight. I was going to dodge the bullet and say something else. Like spiders (I HATE SPIDERS. A LOT). But I didn’t. I didn’t because I was sick of letting the enemy tell me my worth. So I told them. 

 

Stacie asked if the team could pray over me. At this point I was shaking. After Stacie prayed, Wendy heard so clear from God that it was my turn. It was my turn to pray off every lie and hurt that had ever been spoken over me, and every lie and hurt I have spoken over myself. To pray off words that have emotionally shut me down and physically shut me down. Words that made me feel like I had nothing to offer. Then to speak truth over myself. To claim and receive the beauty God sees in me. 

 

Then Stacie said this. Which so many other people need to hear, not only me. “You need to know that God sees you as beautiful right now. No weight loss will make you more beautiful in his eyes.” This is so true. You will always be searching for that next high until you find Your constant high in Him. 

 

Does God desire me to be healthy… Yes! Do I want to be healthy.. Yes, so badly!  But until I am fully satisfied in him and fully know how He sees me now, which is beautiful, I will always be searching for something more. I’ll always be doing things for people’s approval and trust me in the moment it’s great… But it NEVER fully satisfies. 

 

We got to stop talking down on ourselves! Looking at ourselves and saying “I’m a failure” or “I’m too fat” to do what God has called us to do. We’ll always want to look a little better, be a little healthier, know the Bible a little more… But when we always having these feelings they can hold us back from something great! God wants the best for us and wants us to continue to be more like him, but first we need to know how he feels about us NOW. In this moment He loves you and wants to fill all your insecurities with the beauty He sees. He wants to be the one that completely satisfies you! Then the rest will come. You are good enough. Go ahead and pray off all those words that have been spoken over you. Pray off the doubt people have spoken over you or maybe you have spoken over yourself and claim his goodness.