For
the first part of the race I really struggled with the fact that I
was seeing everyone else grow and experience God in new ways but I
wasn’t seeing that happen in my life. I was comparing my relationship
with God to those around me and ended up feeling like I had missed
something.
At
the end of Feb. my grandpa was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease.
Due to this and the struggle mentioned prior, March through June were
probably some of the hardest months of my life. Knowing he was so
sick was bringing out these feelings of guilt that I didn’t even
realize I was carrying around. Guilt about not sharing the Gospel
with him when I had the chance, guilt about not being there for him
while he was going through such a hard time and it made me realize
how much guilt I’ve been carrying around from other missed
opportunities.
During
this time I also came to realize that I had taken on the burden of my
family which was most definitely not mine to carry. I’ve seen so many
deaths in my 23 years. I understand how short life is and I can’t
stand to see those I love not getting along. I had taken up the role
of peace maker which just caused strife between me and the very ones
I was trying to “fix”.
In
June (when we first arrived in Africa); we were suppose to be going
to Mozambique but transportation fell through so our entire squad was
stuck in Nelspuit, South Africa for a week. I don’t think I’m the
only one on our squad who would say this was a major growth week for
just about everybody. This is where I kind of came to the end of my
rope. I desperately wanted to see God move in me in new ways and it
wasn’t happening. I was talking to one of our squad leaders about my
desire to know Him more and my disappointment at not. She said,
sometimes there are things in our lives that we’re holding on to and
won’t surrender and until we surrender those things, God can’t move
in our lives.
Later that week we had a morning
of solitude. Nobody was allowed to talk; this was time to be spent
with Jesus. That morning I spent a lot of time in prayer. He took me
to the book of Romans (specifically 7:15-8:9) where it talks about
Paul doing what he doesn’t want. He’s talking about his flesh vs. his
mind/heart and I think this is where I was. Through prayer and this
passage God opened my eyes to the fact that the root of the struggle
I was going through was guilt; I’d never surrendered that to Him. He
also showed me a lot of other things that branched off of that. He
showed me that the reason I had picked up the burden of my family was
because of guilt. I thought if I could fix things there it would make
amends for passed offenses.
In this realization I saw my pride, arrogance and self-righteousness
in thinking I could be the one to fix it rather than giving it to
God in the first place. I was thinking I could do a better job than
God and I was trying to justify myself by doing good; both of which
are sin. The end result being a giant obstacle in my relationship
with God.
The
evening of that same day we went to a worship service at a local
church. During that time I asked God to continue revealing to me
things that I needed to confess or surrender to Him. He did show me
and I surrendered. After quite some time of this I asked God ”
what else can I do”? I didn’t hear the audible voice of God but the
word “nothing” came into my mind directly after that prayer. At
the end of all that I still felt like I had a weight around my neck
that was pulling me down. Before I went to bed I remember praying ”
God I don’t care if there’s a feeling I just want to know that You’ve
taken all of this from me and I’m free from it” and I let go. I
woke the next morning with the weight gone and the most amazing
feeling of peace I’ve ever felt. I seriously don’t think I stopped
smiling for a week. Even more than that He gave me a peace about my
family. He has reassured me that He has them and that He loves my
grandpa far more than I ever could and nothing is going to happen to
him that He doesn’t already know about.
On
July 9th grandpa passed away. All that God had done didn’t
make this situation any easier. I’ve never lost someone so close. I
still had to go through the grieving process and probably will have
to again when I get home . It did in fact change the way I responded,
though. In all of this God has taught me to trust Him. He was my
comforter when I couldn’t be with my family and He continues to be my
peace when doubts arise.
