So Friday afternoon I had my little "revelation" of my lack of self-worth.
Throughout the weekend all signs pointed me towards peace and introspection, reminding me that I'm not alone, and that the race, in fact, did change me. While I sat in reflection and wrestled with this thing called grace I saw the last five weeks much clearer.
Upon arriving in the "real world", I tried to operate out of old habits of survival and relation. I recognized that I was back in America, but I kind of forgot that I'm not exactly the same person.
So I showered everyday.
I put on nice clothes.
I wore perfume and makeup.
I curled my hair.
I mean, after a year of sweaty, dirty clothes full of holes, who wouldn't feel comforted and confident in getting dressed up?!!
What I wore became a way for me to hide again.
I mask who I am behind my clothes and makeup because I don't like who I am without them; and I don't want people to see the me that's underneath everything.
The me that's under the "put together" version of me is still in process. My character, my discipleship, my womanhood are still in process.
Wearing makeup is just one of the many ways I've tried to hide my insecurities. And I did that for YEARS without hesitation, without questioning my integrity as a woman of God.
Everything in my mind tells me that who I am lies in my heart, my actions, my relationships and my creation. But everything in my fearful ways began to show me what I really believe about myself and life.
I'm not good enough. People will only think I'm strong, smart, innovative, dare I say, even cool if I'm stylish and "put together". I can avoid all the messy vulnerability if I look presentable 24/7…always write formally and grammatically correct…stay in the safe realm of photography instead of stepping into a new field of videography where I understand NOTHING and feel like an idiot. What I really believe in is "stay hidden. stay safe."
And the truth is, it was easy to do that in America.
But now that I'm kind of this different person, I can only stay hidden for so long before I have an identity crisis.
So seven weeks into walking in my "old ways" of hiding, and I had a freaking breakdown.
It took 48 days before I realized what kind of life I was beginning to live…a life of fear, insecurity, self-doubt, and inadequacy. Not six years, like before the race. My turn around time for self-awareness has decreased significantly, and in that I'm now assured that I am, in fact, not quite the same person I was before the race.
Monday, instead of spending an hour getting ready, I spent time with Jesus.
Then I went to work without makeup or hair products. I wore a drabby, oversized shirt and hat. At first I could feel the people staring. It distracted me when I caught people noticing how I looked. But really, for most of the day, I had a freedom in my own skin. I felt something I hadn't felt in seven weeks.
I felt real. I want to keep tapping into that feeling. There's grace in that feeling.
I'm not saying I'm never going to wear makeup, or dress up, or fix my hair. I'll probably still do that…often. But the fact that I could walk around in an office full of people I don't know well, and have them see the real me…It was a good feeling. I was vulnerable, and it was good.
Last year I learned how to have grace for others.
This year I'm going to learn how to love myself in the process. I'm going to keep wrestling with and receiving the grace that God has for me.
I'll keep ya posted on that 🙂
