September 1, 2011, 11:42 p.m.
Countdown:
42 days ‘till training camp.
123 days until launch.
5 minutes until my next panic attack.
Every month I make a new list of goals for myself. It helps me stay centered, assess my level of growth and accomplishment, and of course beat myself up when I don’t get what I want out of my time. Yesterday, as I was making my list, the anxiety presented itself. I sat at my desk, pen in hand, scribbling things like “mail 20 more support letters”, and “print flyers for mission:portrait”, among a hundred other must do’s for this journey. My heart rate quickly sped. The anxiety was tangible and thick as it filled the room. The list reached a length twice that of any I’ve made before.
“I can do this. It’s just another month….and then it will be October. November. December. 123 days…" I felt nauseous.
I laid in bed tossing and turning for about 6 hours, it wasn’t until the sun began to rise that I finally fell asleep. My first sleepless night. I’ve been hearing about those from countless racers for the past few years. Being so full of worry and fear that you go an entire night without rest brings the doubt to the forefront of your mind.
This is happening. And it’s happening soon! My time is running out like a thread that has been picked off the sleeve of a sweater. With just over $13,000 still needing to be raised, and even more that I must save to cover my personal expenses, I am in over my head. There is NO WAY I can do this on my own. And I can’t even begin to think about what I’m going to be doing once this fundraising is over. All of this preparation, for a calling so far beyond my comprehension. All of this preparation for what?
All of this preparation, in order for me to…
Leave my family. My friends. My possessions.
Be sick for days at a time.
Use a hole in the ground as my toilet.
Wear the same clothes more than two days in a row.
Develop a subtle, if not severe, body odor problem.
Forget what it means to have privacy.
Leave behind my ideas of “comfort food”.
Relinquish control of my photography equipment and artistry to the Lord.
Abandon ALL EXPECTATIONS.
So that I may…
heal the lame.
weep for the broken.
hold a child.
love on the lost.
Preach the Gospel.
Be a voice for the voiceless.
Bring the kingdom to earth.
Be humbled.
Spread peace.
Break my body for another.
Meet my brothers and sisters.
Laugh in the face of the enemy.
Dance in the freedom of the Lord.
Prophesy.
Walk the streets as a foreigner.
Be transformed.
Bring deliverance to the accused.
Let go of my innermost fears.
Live out the hope of our salvation.
Seek His Face
When I remember these things, my heart yearns to be there. My spirit calms. I have hope and trust that the Lord will be the one to jump the hurdles that stand between me and January 1st. He is the great provider.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him…
-psalm 37.5-6
