I was recently reading part of Searching for God Knows What, by Donald Miller. In it, he talks about how his idea of God changed over time, especially when he was in high school. At first, he kind of had an idea of this God that rather appeased him: a God that was there, but was just sort of a cuddly bear and had these rules that you followed. And then, later, he found a God that was a Being, a God that wanted a relationship with him. In face, this God was desperate for a relationship with him; so much so, that He sent His only son to repair the cleft that sin had caused between us and Him.
We’re well past the half-way point on this trip. Mickey Rooney once said that life is like a roll of toilet paper: the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes. My dad echoed a similar sentiment my senior year of high school. Watch out, he warned, it goes by fast. And it did. University when by quickly, too. I look at those four years- of laughter, fun, studying, stress, tearful nights, great friendships and late-night Jimmy John’s runs- and I wonder where it all went, and how it all went so quickly. I’m afraid that this will happen to this trip, that at some point in July I will wonder, How is it over? And I don’t want to regret wasting any time.
But I digress. As I was reading Mr. Miller’s book, I got to thinking about how my idea of God has changed over the course of this trip. It’s kind of like when you’re a kid, and you take a snow cone (read: some snow you grab from the front yard and put in a bowl) to your parents. And as your dad is about to take a bite, he asks where you found the lemon flavoring to add to it. As the spoon moves towards his mouth, you naively tell him that there wasn’t any, it was already yellow when you got it from outside. His idea of what he is eating, and what he is actually eating, are very different.
In the same way, my idea of who God was, and who God actually is, were very different.
I thought God was this judgmental God, ready to pour down hellfire and brimstone at any moment, ready to punish me for any moment of weakness or sin, ready to turn His back on me when I couldn’t uphold righteousness or when I just plain messed up. After all, He’s perfect. So how could He really love me, some who misspells words and isn’t that patient and takes too long of naps on Saturday afternoons?
I’m sad for myself now, because I lived in that mindset for so long. I wasted all that time. Yes, I could say that God is loving and loved us, but deep down, I didn’t completely believe it. I feared him, but not in a holy reverence or healthy fear of a Being that is our Creator. Rather, I feared God in the “You’ll smite me if I don’t” sort of way. I took part in many church activities, and while mostly it was because I enjoyed them and helping out, a portion of my reasoning also included me fearing that Christ’s blood wasn’t completely enough. Maybe it worked back when I first believed, but I could use lots of good things to help make up for my sin. And this is totally not Biblical. Christ’s blood IS enough.
And my view of God as this warmonger who was pleased to crush His creation? That’s not God! Thankfully, my feelings and how I feel about God have no actual impact or effect on who God actually is. And as I’ve kind of stumbled and fumbled my way through this whole “being a missionary” thing, learning what it is to love others and live in community, I’ve seen God in new ways. I’m learning who I am in Christ, and who God is, what His word says about His being and His character. And He’s GOOD.
He is slow to anger and abounding in love, He listens to us, He is concerned about us, He loves us with an everlasting love, He is the Lord our God, He walks among us, He fights for us, He is our strength and our song, He heals us, He answers us. He has chosen us, His Spirit lives in us if we believe in Him (and where His Spirit is, there is freedom), He is filled with mercy and compassion and He loves us. In fact, He is love.
