Godisnowhere.
I had a really great teacher in 7th grade who wrote that on the board. He was talking about perspective.
“What does it say?” he asked.
“God is nowhere!” someone yelled out.
“No!” was someone else’s rebuttal. “It says ‘God is now here.'”
Our teacher smiled. Which was it? And the answer is the one I most hated when my dad would use it: It depends.
Because it depends. Is God here now? Or is he nowhere? What’s your perspective?
I hesitate to say this, because it doesn’t good. It doesn’t sound good ever, but especially not when you’re on the World Race. Because, for the last two months, my answer was the answer the first student had. God is nowhere. I didn’t feel Him. I didn’t see Hm. I couldn’t find Him and I didn’t hear Him. But, God isn’t a feeling. And yet, that was no comfort to me. I was doubting just about everything about Him. It was hard for me to not feel fake when I prayed, even. I watched beautiful sunsets in Malaybalay, and I couldn’t bring myself to admit that maybe God was sending those just for me, the girl who loves sunsets, a little reminder that He was still there. I was almost trying to write off things I’ve seen Him do on the Race, just to justify my {lack of?} feelings.
I felt like Job, just without, you know, anything bad to have caused the questions:
But if I go to the east, he is not there;
if I go to the west, I do not find him.
When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.
But he knows the ways I take…
[Job 23:8-10]
I’ve been to two continents and three countries in the last 2 months and so many days. Isn’t that like the north and south and east and west? And yet I couldn’t see Him. Couldn’t or wouldn’t, I can’t quite bring myself to say. I can be kind of stubborn sometimes…
So, what changed it for me? I’m just glad it wasn’t The Left Behind Series, but rather it was The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren. After making fun of one of the first pages to my teammate, Aubrey, I saw Day 14: When God Feels Distant. I turned to it, expecting one of the “usual” things people say, that weren’t really helping me.
So, I felt way less alone when I read this passage:
“Floyd McClung describes it: ‘You wake up one morning and all your spiritual feelings are gone. You pray, but nothing happens. you rebuke the devil, but it doesn’t change anything. You go through spiritual exercises… you have your friends pray for you… you confess every sin you can imagine, then go around asking for forgiveness of everyone you know… You begin to wonder how long this spiritual gloom might last. Days? Weeks? Months? [Forever?] … it feels as if your prayers simply bounce off the ceiling.'”
Floyd? How did you just describe every feeling I’ve had the last two months? The ‘chapter’ talks about how God sometimes seemingly distances Himself from us- a time of testing- to deepen our relationship with Him. I’m sad to say I’ve rather failed that test for the last bit. But maybe I needed this. I needed this to see my selfishness in my relationship with God. I needed it as a catalyst for reading the Old Testament and not seeing a judgmental, vengeful God but a God who is hurt because of our idolatry and lust for sin, a God who is constantly pursuing us, loving us and grieving over us when we choose otherwise. I needed it to open up to people about what I really think, what I really fear; to realize that, deep down, I don’t find myself worthy of love, so I’ve always doubted God’s love towards me. I needed this to realize that God knows what I need more than I do; that if I’m going to ask Him for growth and a deeper relationship, I can’t give up on Him the moment I’m given that opportunity.
I needed this to realize that GOD IS NOT A FEELING. Such a favorite thing for me to say to others, while in my heart, I focused on my feelings. I needed this to realize that my relationship with God has been off-kilter for a while. And it’s time to get it back on track.
Lauren F. Winner, in her book Girl Meets God (yeah, I’ve been trying to “find” Him for a while now) writes:
“Sometimes I feel God has taken a paring knife to me. I know the way an apple feels.”
I can’t say it feels good all the time. But at least He’s getting all the rotten parts out. And I won’t be doubting that again.
