So, we just got done with “The Awakening”, a three-day event where all of the World Racers on the field came to Brasov, Romania. Seth Barnes and Andrew Shearman, as well as Michael Hindes, spoke. It was a really great time. I mean, okay, I cried for most of it, but it was a really great time for OTHER people!
Why was I crying, you may ask? (And if you know me, you’ll ask that more fervently, because I rarely cry.) I think I was crying because I so rarely cry. I think God is finally, truly, breaking me of things I decide to just “brush off” and “get over”. Sometimes, I am hurt by something, but I refuse to acknowledge that hurt. And then that hurt festers and grows, because it’s still there but I’m ignoring it. If you ignore an infection, does it go away? I had an infection in my jaw once. It didn’t get better by refusing to acknowledge the lump forming. It only got better when the dentist gave me a root canal (still a sore topic with me!). But the dentist had to go in, take out all the bad stuff, fix what was wrong. And God has to do that to me. It’s painful. It sucks. But it’s how, in the end, I’m going to come out cleaner and healthier. It’s the only way.
So, one night during the Awakening, I was crying during worship. I don’t know for who or why I was crying, but I was just overcome. And a good friend, Marissa, came over too me. She told me that she had asked God for a vision for me. And in the vision, she saw Jesus and I sitting at a table, kind of like you would on a date. I was asking Him all of these questions and he just smiled at each one. But the smile wasn’t malicious, it was a pleased smile. She thought it meant that God is pleased with my questions and my desire to know Him more fully, that God isn’t angry with my questions, but that He thoroughly enjoys my curiosity. I sure hope so.
But her words were good for me on another level, as well. Jesus would smile at me? Die for me, sure, but enjoy spending time with me? It shouldn’t be, but that’s kind of a new concept for me. While I am such a firm believer in grace for others, I often don’t offer it to myself. So, that’s my goal for this month. To allow myself to ask questions, but then be very quiet in listening and very intent on trying to find the answers in God’s word. I’ll never know completely who He is, but I want more.
Children always ask “Why?” It’s probably the word we would love to take out of their vocabulary. But WHY is the sky blue? WHY do I have to go to bed? WHY are vegetables good for you. WHY will the juice not come out of the carpet? WHY can’t our cat and dog be friends?
Maybe having faith like a child means asking “Why?” sometimes.
