Hola Amigos,
It has been a while since I last posted. There are many reasons why of course, reasons that I will let you in on now- I want to be open and honest with you and let you in on what has been going on for the past 2 months now.
First, I have been in Nauta, Peru living on a boat for 2 weeks and it has been a blast- I will post another blog after this one to just share photos.
Second, I have fasted from the internet- So now, I will be able to reply more often now to you if you send an email.
Third, the Lord is bringing me through many things.
My Story of Truth
In these short 24 years of my life, I have hidden for so long.
I have always held everything inside of me, not letting people truly know the real me and the real feelings, emotions, thoughts; etc. that I have gone through and go through in seasons of life and in my daily experiences.
I do not know how to put all this into words for you, but I will do my best.
I have been searching and seeking the Lord in many different ways than I have ever done. Finally, I have the desire to seek His heart and His ways with MY EVERYTHING. In a way, I am bummed that it has taken this kind of trip to get me to a point of searching and seeking- but I know His plans where and are perfect and He has me right where I need to be. My teammates are becoming my brother and sisters. Their authenticity, vulnerability, and love are all amazing and have all stretched me to new levels with the Lord. Being on the race has been an incredible experience thus far- yes there are already times that I have wanted to leave and go back to the “reality” that I thought was real, because it is easy being in America and not really “suffering” in ways that I needed-but I now look and see the amazing opportunity that has been set before me to change into more of Christ. This though, is not easy, I feel that I am literally being broken everyday and it hurts, yet I’m honored- Hebrews 12:5-7 states, “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by Him; for those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, and He scourges every son whom He receives. It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?” So, I take this on with humbleness and honor.
Being open, soul searching, falling in love with my Creator, praying crazy prayers, gaining spiritual eyes and ears, finding out the calling that He has placed on my life, watching my friends grow deeper in love with the Lord, and finally- bringing up the past that hurts in order to let the Lord have victory over it and be able to use it for His glory and name is what I am going through. Repeatedly, I have said that “I love the Lord” and there are days where I question that statement, because of the hurt that I feel I am enduring-but when those days come, I know the Lord has victory in it, and it makes it ALL worth it. You see, I am learning and being convicted in my own personal walk that in order to grow in Him, I must deal with my past- that means- go back and pull all the nasty junk up- write it on paper (journal) – talk to friends- expose it to light- then tell the Lord. It is beautiful, He seems to be able to take it, refine it, and this allows my soul to have more space for His truth and love to grow.
Hiding is something I am continually working with my friends here. I am a guy who likes to wear my emotions on my shoulder and my facial expressions tell it all. I am good at hiding, perhaps it has been so that people wouldn’t think I was ignorant in my thoughts; maybe it was because of being hurt from events in my childhood, from girls (period), my own personal issues, a lack of self-confidence, and lastly seeking validation from humans.
The Lord is showing me how much validation I have sought from girls my whole life. That their opinion has shaped me of the guy I should be, need to be, act like, or even look like. I have been doing a “grief” journal lately- what this means for me is to go back in my past and deal with past relationships that I have had either with my girl “friends” or literally girlfriends. The Lord has been so gracious to expose things to my mind again… Robby- “Do you know the reason why you liked her, do you know why you acted like that around her, do you know you did this and that, do you know how much validation who sought from her.” It is heavy and it hurts, but I am so thankful for this because these are things that I believe can screw a marriage up in later years and how blessed I am now to deal with all of these issues. I am far from being done, but it sure feels good to know the reasons why I act the way I act and think the way I think. God is changing me and I am excited. I have even sought validation from men, wanting to be the best that I could be for them because I felt that I had to live up to a certain standard so that I could be the best at everything (a lie from Satan himself).
Where am I going with all of this? Great question! I desire to have all my security in Christ. I am seeing how insecure I really am about myself, because for so long I never turned for the Lord to find my security in Him, I turned to this world to find approval. I know that I am not the only one, because when we all really and truly look to ourselves-we are all insecure.
I know that this is a continual process in life- that it isn’t going to go away this year and that I will have to daily find my security in Christ, but to gain this from the Lord now is what I need. Truly a man after Christ and a man of integrity is what I long for. I want that deep, personal, intimate relationship with the Him.
Here I am now, searching who I am and who Christ is through His voice and the word. With all of this, it is obvious that I will be attacked spiritually everyday and that I can count on Jesus fighting for me and that I have to do my part in not giving up, because if I would-then this life and fight is pointless. I have always been a doubter about a lot of things and this is a weak point that I am fighting, so every time that I start doubting- I really have to go before the Lord and let Him take it away and cure me of this. It is like cancer… it spreads before I know it and then it affects everything I do and am. I have the best radiation and chemotherapy than what this world can offer me, it is the blood and truth of Jesus Christ and with Him, all things are possible.
Thanks for reading and letting me tell you where I am in my walk. I am doing great, no worries… it is exciting that I am changing and I know that this will continue. I want to encourage all of you to seek Christ daily as well, and ask Him to expose the things that would hinder you in your own personal walks with Him. It will hurt, it will sting, but remember how much He loves and cares for you. You are loved by the Creator of the Universe! Amazing huh? I love you all and I do think of all of you through random moments in the day or week… you are a huge part of my life and I thank God for you!
Read Psalms 40- meditate on it, and know how much He loves you!
In Him,
Robby
