If I’m being honest, it’s been a hard past couple of weeks. My Poppie passed away September 22nd and ever since then I have felt angry and confused. This is now the third grandparent I’ve lost to cancer.
I keep finding myself looking at my bible and journal by my bed and feeling guilty for really not wanting to read it. I hadn’t felt this way in a really long time so I just kept saying, “Lord help me to need you again, help me to WANT to need you again.” But I still refused to open my bible for weeks.
I told one of my friends Malia, from the World Race, that I didn’t want to be angry with the Lord but I couldn’t help it, I just didn’t understand why he was doing this to my family again and again. She answered me with this text – “I encourage you to sit with the Lord even when you don’t feel like it because I think thats probably why you don’t feel steady… it’s really hard to keep doing life without abiding in the Father… we have to lean on God during these times because our strength isn’t enough.” I have never felt more comforted while feeling pretty convicted in my life. Those words made me desire to spend time with the Father again.
So tonight I wrote out a prayer in my journal and at the end it said “My Poppie told me not to ask “why” but instead to ask “what next,” so Jesus what’s next for me?” Then I opened up my bible to where my marker was which happened to be Joel 2:13 – Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love.
Not even being dramatic, that verse smacked me in the face. It almost felt as if he was sitting beside me and saying, “That’s what’s next Rissa, rend your heart, come back to me, I’m not going anywhere.”
So I immediately felt guilty that I turned away from the Lord, who is FULL of graciousness and compassion, slow to anger, and ABOUNDING in love even when I know I don’t deserve it, but as soon as I felt that guilt it was quickly removed from my thoughts and was replaced with his love for me. I felt covered and comforted by him. I no longer felt abandoned and alone.
We all have moments where we don’t understand God’s plan and why he doesn’t just snap his fingers and take away cancer, or mend our relationships, or keep tragedies from happening or whatever it may be, but as my friend encouraged me, I encourage you, sit down with the Lord ANYWAYS. Feel angry, but sit in his presence and listen. Feel sad, but open up his word and let him talk to you. Feel confused, but instead of running away, run towards him because he is gracious. He is compassionate. He is slow to anger. And he is abounding in love.
