My grandma was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about 4 months ago, and more recently she has started feeling worse, much faster than I expected. The cancer came out of nowhere and I was in no way prepared for what was happening. I knew she was going to be in pain and I knew it was going to get worse instead of better, but I definitely wasn’t ready to handle the situation so quick. Everyone tells me to be strong for her and I know that if it was me in her shoes I would want the same, so I do the best that I can, but sometimes it’s too hard to be strong when I am feeling so weak. On one specific day a couple weeks ago, it was harder than usual to be strong and I just laid on my bed and cried out for help. On the same day, the Lord was obviously seeing my pain and comforted me multiple times and in many different ways. First it was in Jesus Calling. I opened up the book and the first line read “I am with you.” I quickly felt more at peace then I had in a while, because those were the words I was needing to hear, and he knew that. He always knows what we need to hear and he delivered it to me in plain english, during that morning of true weakness.
Next it was in the car. I shuffled my “Jesus music” playlist and the first song to come on was – I Am Not Alone by Kari Jobe.
The chorus goes like this:
I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me
I immediately felt his presence and had a clear image of him in the car with me, completely surrounding every inch of me. Instead of feeling weak and broken down I felt strength, and a weight of sadness lifted off of me.
After getting back home from wherever I was, I went inside and saw a card by the coffee pot that read “held” in big letters across the front. I immediately smiled because I knew it was Jesus and I knew that, that card was sitting there waiting for me to get home so I could be reminded once again, that no matter what, he is always holding me. In the times of strength and in the times of weakness.
He is an extremely personal God and he proved that to me over and over again that day. Because of his strength we don’t have to be strong. Being reminded of that made it a lot easier for the times when I have to help my grandma put on her wig, or hold her spoon for her when she’s eating, or give her a whole handful of meds I know she doesn’t want to take. Knowing that he will never leave me and he is always holding me, makes my weakness grow into strength. Because of him, I know I don’t have to do it alone.
