Last week was our “Debrief Week”, which is when all of our leaders who are back in the states come to us to spend time with, pray with, and pour into us each individually/as a whole. It’s an incredible time of rest from ministry and just growing in God.
Well, one the first night of Team Worship, Josh and I ran back to the hostel we were staying at for the moment to grab a journal for one of the girls that left it in the room. We get there and we can’t find it, so we just decide to leave cause it was 5 til 7:00(which is when the worship started) and we were 15 minutes away. As we are walking fast through the night life of Chaing Mai, Thailand.. Josh and I find a road we ‘think’ is the right short cut. Well.. we were terribly wrong and were completely lost for about 45 minutes passing buildings we’ve never seen. I was upset to say the least, because I was so excited for Team Worship and felt like God had been preparing my heart for that evening..but I kept a positive attitude that we would get there. After taking two tut tuts and walking down a few sketchy allies…WE MADE IT!
But… worship was over. They were finishing up on the last song. I was so upset. After they were finished we sat down and Sam got up to share a word from God(which was amazing). She taught us on being vulnerable with each other and 5 Strings We Have to Break off of Ourselves. After she was done, she opened the floor for us to get up be open with what we were dealing with in that moment with everyone on our N Squad. My heart was beating 100 miles an hour.. I knew Holy Spirit was leading me to go up and confess what I was dealing with. For year, I dealt with unforgiveness towards my self of all my past sin. I knew that Jesus forgave me, but I couldn’t forgive myself. I carried that burden for so many years.
As I set there, one after one kept getting up to share where they were at. I sat there on the ground, waiting to go. When I decided that I would step past my fear and go us, Sam stood up… I thought I missed it! She said something along the lines of this, “if you dealt or are dealing with ‘this and that’, come up there now. Be vulnerable with the Squad, your family.” It would be the first time in my life doing so. I never shared exactly where I was at with anyone…my family, friends, the people I lived with during my 2 years at ministry school..NO ONE!! But I was ready to walking in the freedom of forgiving myself. I got up there and the leaders began to pray for us. After a few minutes, they give us the opportunity to speak out. SO I DID!! In that moment, i felt so much freedom. I have been walking in that for the past week and see myself as Jesus has seen me the entire time…forgiven, set apart, whole.. It’s a beautiful thing.
The funny thing is, God knew what He was doing the whole time. The journal we went back to get, was in her purse the whole time. I realized than.. Everything truly does work is God’s timing. 🙂
