Today I don’t have any words of encouragement, or fun and exciting news to share, or an update on fundraising. Today will not be an enjoyable or reassurring post. Today I share about the dark thoughts and the looming shadows over being called into ministry.
I know several other squad mates have been having similar experiences. Mostly at night is when it appears, the Shadow that Speaks. It speaks to me filling my mind with doubt, dread, and worthlessness. Am I going to be able to do this? Am I doing the right thing by going? Am I going to mess everything up and make everyone hate me? These are the questions that fill my head at night.
After this comes the horrific visions of what the Shadow promises to make happen. The specific details are different each time, but they always play out the same. The first, I lose my right arm. Sometimes it’s a freak accident, other times, I’m attacked. The amount of arm lost changes as well, but without a doubt, my right arm will be chopped off in some way while on the Race.The second is the cliff. There are so many variations of this but it always ends the same. Sarah and I plunge off the edge to our deaths. I’m not sure why this one bothers me so knowing we would go to heaven. But it bothers me still all the same.
And then finally to complete it all, the Shadow speaks the wretched words of worthlessness. “You have no skills that are going to be useful out there. Your grasp of Biblical knowledge is pitiful. God says you will cast out demons? How can you when you have demons of your own? What good are you going to do out there? Nothing. Enjoy the rest of your night worm.” Nothing twists your mind, heart and gut like the all consuming idea that you are not valued as a person.
I know full well that these are all lies. I know that I serve a God that loves and protects His children with all His might. That Shadow can kiss it and buzz off; he has no power here.
And yet, he does.
Even though I know it’s all a lie, he visits night after night telling me and showing me these things and it’s starting to have an effect. I didn’t realize it till now but I think we’re all finally coming off the high from training camp and have started to fall into old ruts. I know I have. I’ve stopped being so vigilant and have let my guard down.
I’ve let the doubt creep in. The lies are getting to me.
Need to remember: Turn to God.
